Captivated

A Sight to Behold

After the laughter died down, I took another sip of my coffee, turned to look at him in the eye incase he tried to avert the question and asked"So how come you responded so nastily last night?" I began, "I did not expect the conversation to move so quickly south in what was a light hearted conversation trying to get to know the guys I will be putting my trust into for the next four weeks" I finished off, hoping I finally got my point across. What these guys have to realise, well mainly Luca as I think the other three understand my thought process here, but I am putting a lot of trust in them as a young girl, never travelled on her own before on a strange island with mental health struggles, I am vulnerable and bound to feel even more vulnerable than what I look like. I need the support of these guys, I need to trust that they aren't going to hurt me or do unimaginable things to me. 

"I am so sorry if I have broken the trust or made you feel uncomfortable here. I think what you are doing is so brave and there is no one in this house that feels as strongly as I do about protecting you whilst on this trip; I hope you understand that?" Luca replied, I had no idea he felt this way about me, a warm fuzzy feeling spread over my chest, that comfort he thought he had taken away from me finally returning as I now felt like I had someone that was definitely going to look out for me whilst on this trip, although I am pretty confident that the other boys also have my back during our stay here. 

"I hope you don't mean you want to protect me through controlling me?"  I replied, the warm fuzzy feeling now quickly vanishing as I get flashbacks  to the abuse I went through previously at home; maybe not all men treat woman that way, maybe Luca meant protect in a different way? "Sorry, previous trauma creeping its way in. You and the boys have made me feel so secure being in your company and even question what would have happened if the house share was with completely different people. I am actually quite excited for what adventures I have to come with you guys on this trip... Obviously we all don't need to be attached to the hip on this trip and can do our own thing. I hope you don't think I am just going to be clingy this whole trip with you and the boys, I want to explore myself too!" I rushed this last bit, I don't want them to get the wrong impression; one of the reasons for me going on this trip solo was to become more independent, confident and adventurous without relying on anyone else. 

"No, No of course not and I would hate for you to get that impression from me. Honestly, do not worry about me or any one of the guys here controlling you. Just saying but we aren't all like that guy you were with, presuming this trauma was a guy! I am so glad we have made you feel like that, you'll be glad to hear I am pretty excited too about the adventures that are to be had on this magical island. I won't stop you from doing anything you want to do, whether that be on your own or within the group and I can't imagine the others would do that either, do not stress. When you are ready then you can open up about it if you want but I understand it is a very sensitive subject; I too had my run in with an abuser and I also abused myself greatly; I can be a very good listener. Again I am sorry for my previous actions, I can get a bit in my head at times where it goes to a dark place, I am working on improving this part of myself as it isn't pleasant for the people around me." Luca literally said a monologue and I was wondering when he was going to stop for breath.

"Okay... You are sure you won't be like that? No one else will? I can't have anyone else manipulating or controlling me again, I need this trip to be a better version of myself, not go backwards. Im so sorry that that happened to you, it can be a very lonely place and I completely understand those dark places, places I have visited myself. I am here if you ever need to talk too, I would imagine we can resonate with each other a bit." I smiled at Luca when finishing this hoping it brings him comfort for my understanding. "Now enough of this serious talk, I need to drink this coffee and plan for our first beautiful day on Fiji." Nudging him slightly with my shoulder, Luca proceeded to nudge me back and I giggled before taking a sip of coffee, Luca copied. He readjusted himself in my bed so he could lean against the bed rest and look out of the sea, before I do the same, I quickly get out of bed pull down his t-shirt as far as it would go over my bum and went and drew back the curtains by the French doors and opened them up, stood out and embraced the warmth, the fresh air hit me and I breathed in deep filling my lungs with fresh air and ran my hands through my knotted hair, suddenly realising that I wasn't alone in my room. I turned around ready to go back to bed and drink coffee to find Luca watching me do this display of appreciation of where I was outside the French doors. I went a little red and looked to the floor, quickly shuffled back to my bed and took another sip of coffee.

"Enjoy that?" Luca asked with a smirk,

"I did actually. It felt so real and refreshing, as if I had just woken up for the first time in months, years even." I practically whispered, I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks. 

"I could tell, it looked enchanting... you looked captivating. I'm sorry to make you feel uncomfortable for saying that; I kind of feel like I am in a movie being here with my boys, staying in a house with the most beautiful woman I have ever seen on the most idyllic island, it is truly paradise" He was now blushing himself, shocked at what he had just blurted out. I suppose honestly is the best policy. 

"Im waiting to be woken up, this feels like a dream that I actually created. I never thought I would be brave enough to come somewhere like this on my own after everything I have been through" I rested my head on his shoulder, a gesture to show that I am completely in awe of this experience we have created for ourselves, just as he is, he reciprocated and rested his head on mine gently as if to say he knew exactly what I meant; "Maybe today we could have a morning on the beach with the guys and then a trip into town to explore our local high street before doing a big stock up on food as this house is practically empty of food." Luca said, I nodded my head on his shoulder "Sounds like a plan."