Tainted hands

Chapter 43

I hugged the pillow tight to my chest letting tears roll down my cheeks. How could so much pain be possible? The metal band on my wrist digs into my skin endlessly. Reminding me of my unavoidable fate.

I was not moving; I was no longer living. I was breathing with my unbearable heart rate, but I was not getting too far. Because of the path, I am on will never change. In my dreams, everywhere I go I suffer pain. I will never expand or move because I will just forever be stuck in a dark tunnel with no end. I wish I could feel comfort and warmth and hope.

But it is like catching smoke

I bend and twist, I scream and yell. For what else can I do when I am stuck in hell. Frozen on a path that will only end to my death.

So why stay waiting, when I can just do it now?

My mind and body were in two different places, my body only following my heart. And my mind knowing there is only one right thing to do. I don't have a family, I don't have Blaze, I don't deserve happiness, I don't deserve love. I don't deserve anything.

Pulling baggy clothes over my small frame I tried to avoid my ugly figure in the mirror. I don't know when. But my body no longer looks like me now. It is not only covered in scars but it is also surrounded by ribs and a skeleton of a body.

"Where are you going sweetheart? It is awfully late." I looked at mamma with a blank look. She was oblivious to my darkness and sat happily on papa's lap.

"I have to go to a friend," I said calmly. John narrowed his eyes.

"Who is this friend you are always going too? If I understand correctly, I heard from people that you have hardly any friends at school."

"What so are you spying on me now? And it may surprise your brother, but I do have friends. As you know Jace. Who should you know is a lot better of a family than any of you?" I spat angrily. Mamma stayed silent gazing down at her lap while papa gave me a blank stare. "You have a real family, you know?" Juan snarled standing up stalking towards me.

"Real family?" I scoffed. "I am eighteen for crying out loud I do not need to be babied anymore. If you hadn't noticed I am not the same little girl with breathing problems, I am a grown, ass woman. I am not weak; I am not vulnerable; I am a strong independent human being who is well and truly capable of looking after and protecting herself. If you were my 'family' you would know that and accept that."

"ANGELINA GARCIA! Go to your room young lady! You don't speak to us like that! EVER." Papa yelled in his terrifying cold voice. It is the voice he has used on his soldiers and sometimes on my brothers but never on me. My family are all terrified of it, except me.

I didn't say a word but distantly walked back to my room.

They couldn't stop me from leaving. I was going to leave no matter what they said. And they can't do a single fuck about that.

"Goodbye family," I muttered then jumped out of my window. Usually, I would hide my tracks and make it impossible for them to find me. But there was no point in doing that. Because by the time they did, it would be too late.

I was on a mission.

I am sick of living a life of lies. I am sick of knowing that I am only an outcast in my family.

.. My father doesn't love me. He loves the little girl who I will never be again. My brothers only remember me. And my mother tries, but I can in her eyes that she has given up... What hurts me most is that I am living a life with no love, no honesty and no reason. Blaze was my reason. But I gave up on him. Otherwise, I would have lost him. Me breaking up with him gives me the chance. Gives him the chance to live a long happy life.