The Cherryhill Tree

Paper Heart

    My sixteenth birthday was the best day of my life, and you made it that way. I cry when I think about it, and I might be crying now but I'm too focused to notice. That night, I found the lover of my soul, and it was always you.

    I'll never forget those nights when we felt like the world was moving way too slow, but we did nothing to make the time pass because we knew we existed in those moments. People move so fast through life, so much that they can't conceive their own existence, and they lose their sense of being. But we never did. Especially in those nights. We were alive.

    You probably don't remember a lot of insignificant things that I do, and I'd like to fill those spaces of your memory up with days, but I can't do that and I wish I could.

    This is a reminder for all of the nights you can't remember, and for all of moments we felt alive because I'm afraid you'll forget me when I'm gone. That's what happens. If the mind has not a constant reminder, it'll lose every inkling of what used to be, like pictures taken long ago and no one can remember when it was taken or why, and then there's a huge chunk missing from the story, and that missing part is usually a who, not a when or why. Time forgets too, and I'm scared it will forget me, but I'm more afraid that you will.

     You said you could come with me, or you said I could stay. But, you can't come with me because you mom is sick again, and your dad needs help because he's not as optimistic this time. I can't stay because I would rather sacrifice time forgetting me instead of life forgetting me. There's so much out there, and I feel like I've hit a plateau here. Sometimes, I feel like I've stopped existing, and it's nothing you did, and there's nothing you could do to change this feeling. I don't want to miss anything, but I know I'll miss you while I'm looking for myself out there. But I think I'll be okay because I know I'll see you in my sleep. I do every night.

    I couldn't tell you all of this  in person because I couldn't bare to see your smile fading, but I decided to go away because I don't think I'm really here anymore. I am physically, but I think my real self is out there somewhere in the world and she's waiting to be found, and I need to do that for myself. I have to do that for myself.

    I noticed that I'm crying now. Really hard. I'm crying because I know you'll cry, and I'd rather set flame to every blossom on our cherry tree instead of making you cry.

    I wasn't going to leave until graduation, but seeing you walk the stage and smiling at me with the rest of our high school's graduating class would be too much for me to handle. I'd cry, and you'd ask me what's wrong, and I could never lie to you so I'd tell you, and you would try to convince me to stay, and I'd refuse and break your heart even more, and I can't do that. I won't let myself do that to you.

    I think the saddest part is that I don't know whether we'll end up together, and I don't know how long I'll be gone, and I don't know if you'll forget me, and not knowing is terrifying. But I do know that I love you with all of my heart and then some.

    I wrote my P.O. box on the back of this letter. I hope you don't feel betrayed in some way because I know you did when your aunt went away, so I won't make you feel obligated to keep in touch with me. But I hope you'll send me a letter so I know that you want to keep in touch. If you don't send me anything, I promise I won't bother you with letters and phone calls. I promise.

    I love you, Jack, and I considered writing an entire page with nothing but 'I love you' written on it, but I thought that would be too weird. Even for me.

    I hope to hear from you, but if not, I understand. You don't have to forgive me, but please don't forget me.

    Love always,

    Liv

    Liv sat there for a long while more, and when she did finally shake the dust from her bones, her sobs were uncontrollable. She leaned against the tree with a fit of shakes that racked her hands, and she managed to drive a thumb tack through the corner of the letter strewn with a pencil-sketched heart. She fastened the letter on the tree's trunk in a spot beneath wide branches that shielded it from the rain. She felt it impersonal not to leave anything else, so she pressed her red lips beside her signature. With much difficultly, Liv coaxed herself down the hill and through the rain where her car packed with suitcases sat at the end of Daisy Avenue.

    After her taillights disappeared into the storm, the rain pounded violently down on the small world of the Cherryhill tree. Lightening and thunder whipped overhead, and it sounded like basketball practice in the high school's gymnasium.

    In the blink of an eye, the sky opened up in a bright flash that touched down on the world. The spear of light cracked, and the blossoms of the cherry tree went up in brilliant flames along with the letter addressed from Liv to Jack.