Tales of Avalon: The Maid and the Falcon

✧ Chapter 26: What Was Lost ✧

Velan woke in a cold sweat.  His hands shook.  His knees ached with the memory of cold stones and his wrists were numb with the ghost of the ropes wrapped tightly around them.  A loud shout echoed back at him; the voice was his.  His throat felt raw.  How did I relax enough to shout in my sleep?  He had taken great pains to avoid it, even going so far as to seek out a sleep mage in Marel.  Nothing had betrayed his pain and fear while he lived in Marel as a Nosta.  He'd made sure of it.

Have I relaxed so much in Avalon?  Or was it, maybe, the agonizing dredging of his memory to teach the Crown Princess that had uncovered the old wounds?

Velan's unfocused eyes slowly sharpened; a newly lit candle sat by his bedside.  In the flickering light he saw Nahin staring at him in concern.

"What are you doing here?" he whispered, fighting his way through tangled bedcovers to sit up.

"You were shouting, sir.  A lot."

"I..."  Velan raised a hand to his head.  "How long?"

"Probably... half an hour?  Maybe longer."

"Who else heard it?" Velan whispered, a sinking feeling in his stomach.

"I don't think anyone else heard you.  Sir."  Nahin sat forward slightly, his hand wrapped in restoration magic.  "No one else sleeps on this wing.  I didn't see any guards coming in either."  He reached out to give Velan restoration.

"Mm."  Velan brushed Nahin's hand away and sighed.  "Good.  No one should know."

"Your nightmares are serious, sir."  Nahin looked worried.  "There's only so much my magic can do.  You should see a doctor or-"

"No!"  Velan paused, calming his tone.  "No.  No doctor.  They can't help me anyway."

"Trauma?"

Velan didn't respond, instead climbing out of bed and stumbling to the washbasin.  After washing his face in startlingly cold water, he stared into the mirror.  Some ambassador.  He looked like a startlingly frail man, reflected in solitude against dark windows, alone, vulnerable, drained, clutching the cloth he'd dried his face with like a lifeline.

"Nahin... what would you do if someone wanted you dead?"

"I would leave."  Nahin looked worried.  "They couldn't follow me far.  But I think your situation isn't like that."

Velan stared down at the cloth in his hands.  "No, probably not."  If the King of Marel wanted to, he could hunt Velan to the end of the earth.

"Then... in your case, I think I would live as much as I could.  I would live well and thoroughly and do as much good as I possibly could.  In your situation... I'd want to die without regret whenever it comes."

"But I..."  Velan shook his head, making a slight face.  "I'm a coward, Nahin.  I don't want to die."

"That's not called being a coward.  That's called being a person."  Nahin flushed slightly and added, "Sir.  No one wants to die."

"What does that matter?  It can't change anything."  Velan sighed and sat down, burying his head in his hands.  "What I want doesn't matter anymore.  Well... it's more like it never mattered in the first place."

Nahin said nothing, but his face asked the question and Velan accepted it.

"What I mean is that...  When I was a child, my life never belonged to me.  It belonged to my parents and my older brother.  If any of them wanted something from me, there was no other option but for me to give it.  None of them ever asked me about it.  I don't think my parents even knew what foods I liked."  Velan fought the urge to bury his face in his hands, to hide his eyes so he couldn't see the room, couldn't see the pain.  It never worked anyway.  "But now it's different.  Now it's life and death."