Anthony's Diamond (Anthony Bridgerton Fanfic)

11. The Sun and the Moon

"What the hell was that Veronica!" Ryder scolds once the carriage takes off. The noise of the horses hooves clipping again at the cobblestone streets rings through my ears as I get lost in my mind trying to ignore Ryder's remarks. I may have reacted harshly towards the Viscount, I am sure I did actually... but I needed to let off a little steam and he made me angry so he was an easy target.

I would say that I am worried that the Viscount now hates me but it seems he had no interest in me anyhow. But what if this makes more than just Anthony hate me? What if the whole Ton hates me now? What if the Queen hates me now? She is probably regretting her choice although I thought her picking me as the diamond of the season was a mistake in the first place. What if Eloise hates me now? I was becoming quite close to her but now I am sure she will want nothing to do with me after running away from her brother.

God I really messed up this time... but somehow I still don't regret it. Sure I may have been a little rude and improper but maybe setting up a faulty reputation but maybe that's not a bad thing. Maybe I won't feel this unbearable weight of anxiety on my shoulders following every breath I take in the public eye, maybe this will give me the opportunity for peace that I have been searching for.

  But let's just pray that the Ton isn't too critical, I am alright with a little bruise to my name but I am not looking for total destruction. Hopefully Lady Whistledown doesn't bash my name too hard.

  "Veronica listen to me! For God's sake!" Ryder yells once more finally catching my attention now that my mind has had time to circle.

  Instead of a literal reply I simply look at my brother my eyes cold and defensive against his disappointment and angered expression. I would speak but every time I open my mouth to begin to talk nothing comes out except for the threat of tears.

  "Veronica what was that back there?"

  "I... I don't know," I finally cough in reply as I begin to sob. Ryders expression quickly turns from harsh to concerned as I begin to melt away in my sorrows.

  "It's ok, no need to cry," Ryder combats before moving to the seat next to me to cradle me and my tears, "We will get this sorted out. With my work it will seem as though nothing happened in a weeks time,"

  "It's not just that! There was a reason why I stormed out on the Viscount tonight! I am so overwhelmed! I miss home back up North and I am not ready to be a wife. Being named the diamond of the season just enhanced all of my anxieties and I feel like I am drowning. All of the suitors you have approved of besides Luke and Viscount Bridgerton have made me feel so worthless in life... but Luke is one of my closest friends and I don't think I could ever marry him because of this. And the Viscount... well he doesn't have an actual interest to marry me it seems, and of course he was a suitor in which I was actually happy to be courted with," I breathlessly explain before taking a break to let out a few more sobs, "But worse of all I am terrified of Mother's sickness... she can't leave us Ryder. I don't know how I will live without her,"

"Veronica..." Ryder begins as I fall apart, "It's ok, this is a scary and important part of your life and I know it must be extremely overwhelming. I am terrified over Mother too but she is the toughest woman I know and she can make it through anything, and you are too. So no matter what happens I know all of us will make it through this," He finishes as his voice begins to crack a little bit too.

"I'm so sorry, I should have kept it together. I-"

"Veronica stop apologizing. It's alright. I'll figure out what to tell Father don't worry about it. When we return home go straight to bed and relax. Today has been a very overwhelming day and you need all the rest you can get for tomorrow,"