I want to be her 『𝙱𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚢 𝙱𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚜』

Chapter Four - It's not goodbye

The next day you tried to ignore Bucky. But everywhere you went there was talk of the wedding, the wedding that to be quite honest, you didn’t want to happen. When you got to the kitchen that morning, Sam, Steve and Bucky were talking about the bachelor party. You tried to ignore them talking about the rings, the vows, the plans. Nat had already asked Wanda to be her maid of honour like three hours ago, so you were just kind of rattling around. 

You and Sam were discussing the best place to get pizza when Nat and Wanda rushed in. “Honey,” said Nat, kissing Bucky’s cheek. You tensed up, unsure of what to do, “We need to choose a venue, date, flowers, place settings, sort out guests, there’s so much to do,” you had never seen Nat this worked up before. 

Steve jumped in, “You have time yet, you only just got engaged,” with any luck they’d just call the whole thing off and you could confess your love for Bucky and he would get back with you. Wait no. No. You were happy for them. 

Wanda had a huge folder full of wedding stuff. You’d seen that folder before, you’d put stuff in that folder, hoping to save it for your and Bucky’s wedding. Guess that was off the table. “So we agree that my place sells the best pizza?” said Sam, you forgot you were talking to him, “I knew I was right,” 

You rolled your eyes, “No you’re wrong,” you said, seeing Nat and Bucky all close made you feel sick, “Come on, let’s go get pizza from both places,” you grabbed your jacket, and followed Sam out of the tower. You couldn’t stand the thought of just seeing them together so happy, both of them had been private about their relationship before. Suddenly they’re engaged and their relationship is all in your face. 

 --------------------------

When you got back to the tower, after eating too much pizza with Sam, there was wedding stuff all over the living room floor. On one side, Bucky and Steve were choosing suits. On another Wanda and Nat were discussing venues and themes. Pepper was talking about floral arrangements with a very bored looking Tony. You felt so out of place. This was too hard. Watching all of this. 

Sam patted your shoulder, “Hey are you good?” he asked you, “There’s another pizza place across the street, we can go there and judge it if you want?” you smiled, how had you never noticed what a good friend Sam had been to you? Just as you were about to turn to leave, Steve called Sam over, “Sorry,” he said, before heading over to them. 

You sat down on the couch, watching the wedding plans. Nat was an assassin, but she had never looked this happy before, and she was very good at hiding everything about her. You shouldn’t be mad at them, they were happy for god's sake. And you were just about to ruin everything for them if you told Bucky you loved him. You couldn’t do that. You couldn’t. You’d just have to deal with it. 

For a while you scrolled through instagram while the others started making wedding plans. Bucky made some phone calls to visit venues. Nat and Wanda made a theme board and Sam and Steve had planned a bachelor party for Bucky. You got bored so you headed up to your room. 

You were resisting the urge to look for your own apartment. It wasn’t like you wanted to move out but the thought of having to see Bucky and Nat together forever was just not something you wanted to think about. You were sure the guys would be okay with you moving out. The only problem would be that they would want to know why you were moving out. And you couldn’t tell them. 

A knock at your door startled you. Sam opened the door, “Hey,” he said, “Sorry about that, my offer still stands though?”

“I’m good,” you said, flopping down on the bed, Sam lent against the door frame. “It hurts,” you said, “I hate my vulnerability right now but I just, it feels like never ending pain. Endless nothingness, I can’t see them like this, I can’t,” you sat upright, “Sam I wanna move out,” a tear streaked your cheek.

Sam’s face dropped, “You want to? To move out?” he sat down on the edge of the bed, “Why? Are you okay?” you curled into his side as he wrapped his arm around you. 

“Will you help me find a place?” you asked him, “Can we keep this between us for now, please,” he nodded, “Thanks,” you jumped up from the bed. Realising that you were being really weird and vulnerable. You hadn’t let anyone but Wanda see the hurting side of you, and that was only when you and Bucky broke up. “Um Sorry,” you said, realising how dramatic you had probably been. 

You went to go to the gym but Sam called out after you, “Hey,” he called out, “No one blames you for being upset, we all thought he was your soulmate, it’s okay,” you smiled, you were so lucky to have friends like them, “We’re all here for you,” 

“You know,” you said, “I thought I was fine with this, but it turns out, I don’t think I’m handling it, all that well,” 

Sam laughed, “I kinda guessed,” he said, “This whole apartment thing? We’ll sort it out okay?” you smiled. “Okay well I’m gonna go watch Netflix and order the best pizza in the city, see you around,” 

You smiled to yourself. Sam was so sweet, how had you never noticed that before? No. No. This isn't. Woah okay. You had said you didn’t want to date another team member, after the whole Bucky incident. Okay you were just tired. That was it. Your brain was being weird. You pulled up some apartment listings, scrolling through the different ones. There were just so many.