Choosing Me

Chapter 2 - Becoming reckless

I suffered for a long time, even though I was the one that broke up with him. It took about 3 months until his constant messages stopped, the unannounced visits at my parents house and the calls from his family faded. But the scars he inflicted on my heart took way longer to disappear.

In between these years of not letting anyone touch me or come near me, not even looking at other people than those I knew, i cried. I cried because I blamed myself and not him. I should have worked out more, i should have eaten less - maybe he would have loved me then. Alcohol became my best friend. Not because it made me feel better. No. But because it made me feel emotionless and empty.

Riding on a wave of loneliness and heartache I decided to just pretend to be fine, because I thought that everyone was so sick of the daily conversations about my stupid ex and my body nsecurities (no bullshit here, a "friend" of mine said it behind my back because she was tired of listening to me). And so the Reckless Lis phase began.

"God i could really use a drink right now" I said to myself whilst hammering on my keyboard. It was a Friday and my best friend had decided it was time to get out of the house to meet her new boyfriend. Yeah my skinny, blonde best friend had the luck once again.

I couldn't help but roll my eyes, not because I wasn't happy for her, but I really didn't want to fake a smile for the whole evening. I'll just have to go, see what he is like and than head home again, I thought.

At least he has a pool and a big house and the drinks are free.

So I finished work, got home, took a nap and made myself presentable. Soon enough i found myself on the way to his house, listening to my favourite songs through my headphones alonh the way. Without music I would die, I thought to myself. Music helped me a lot when i was tired of talking. It helped me get the emotions out that tried to stay buried in my subconscious.

Arriving at his home there were like six people already. God, i hate to being the one to say "hi" to everyone. The perks of having fucked up self confidence. As i made my way through the group i finally sat down and took a cigarette between my fingers. Smoking helps with the nerves. The conversations flew, the evening wasnt eventful until the alcohol made its way into my blood. Though I was usually always insecure about my body, I suddenly found myself not caring about it anymore. The pool was such a tease and so was the guy i found myself alone with on the terrace. We wasted no time. Out of our clothes, into the pool, hands all over each other's bodies. Goodness, I have never been this reckless. Exchanging sloppy kisses, we made our way out of the pool and into one of the bedrooms. Towels falling and i found myself on the bed with him between my legs. God, I am so drunk. But I want this. I need this. Please, make me feel good. The begging thoughts in my mind were fast replaced with what the fuck are you doing? God, look at you, ugly, fat bitch. I shoved him away, leaving him with nothing but questions, and left the room. I am pathetic. When I decided to give it another try, I found him peacefully sleeping. Damn, woman, congrats. So much for getting laid. Well done. Internally screaming i made my way to the couch and fell asleep, although knowing the conversation that was coming for me in the morning, it wasn't a pleasant sleep. You see, alcohol and me has never been a good combination. I become reckless and horny, or incredibly sad, or both.

My best friend's boyfriend was the kindest. "Rough night?" He came into the living room and handed me a cup of coffee. You can say that again. "How much did you hear?"
"Well everything" Great, just my luck. "You know I didn't come here to judge you. Everything is fine but you look like its not, so talk to me" he offered and i was pleasantly surprised. Not even my best friend was like that. And i don't know why, but i literally poured my heart out to a stranger. It can be therapeutic. Knowing he wouldn't judge me, the words just came out of my mouth uncontrollably. Laying out all my insecurities, my doubts, my fears he listened carefully. When i stopped talking he looked at me and said "well i can't make them vanish magically but just know that everything you are doing is a process into learning what you want and need" We all had that phase. Some had it in their 18-20s, some still have it and now it's your time. Don't be afraid of making "mistakes". Just trust the process!

After getting home that day I asked myself whether to trust his words. Will I ever be able to get over this? Will I ever get over the feeling that nobody really wants me? Or is it more the knowledge that I just don't want to get noticed? That i am simply afraid to get hurt like that again? I mean everyone gets hurt at least once in their lives, so why is it so hard for me to come to terms with? Why is it so hard to see for myself that i am worthy of good things? Reminiscing about the words of my best friends boyfriend put a spell on me. A mixture of self doubts and strengths, stubbornness and will. But it still takes time for your mind to get the message, huh.