The Woman Behind The Crown

Chapter 6: "We all deserve some happiness"

So I held her. And even as I knew what losing his promise of marriage could cost her, I couldn't ignore my feeling of relief that she wouldn't belong to someone else. That I'd not lost her. I couldn't bear to give her up, to think of her... giving herself to him. Of course, once I'd acknowledged that, it's like I'd given it permission to grow. I told myself to push the feelings down, to ignore them, but it was too late by then. My feelings continued to grow and I let her in.' She sighed, almost apologetic.

'There were moments when we - when I - could have allowed something to happen. Each time I would pretend not to notice, having to swallow down the pain it inflicted on her and I hated myself for it. I tried to convince myself the regret I felt was simply from not returning her feelings. I told myself time and again because what other choice did I have? I'm the Queen, adultery is an act of treason!'

'Until the poisoning.' Francis concluded, seeing the despair in his mothers eyes. 'Until you realised you might actually lose her.'

'There's nothing quite like having your heart ripped-out to be forced to acknowledge what's actually inside it.'

Taking a breath, she turned to her son.

'I think... I think I love her, Francis. And that thought terrifies me.' Francis took his mother in his arms. He couldn't begin to understand this, but he hated seeing her this way.

'It's alright, Mother. It will be alright.' he soothed. 'The important thing is, we can figure out how to manage this before anything happens.'

'As it happens, I have actually seen Charity since her recovery." Catherine admitted.

Francis pulled away while she looked down, slightly shame-faced.

'Oh, good lord. Something's already happened, hasn't it?' She opened her mouth to reply.

'I don't need the details, Mother.' He cringed.

'Oh, for heaven's sake, Francis!' Catherine scoffed. 'It was just a kiss. Nothing more.'

'You kissed?'

'Well she... never mind. We did and it was wonderful.' She was smiling, but her face fell. 'But it can't happen again.'

'Is that why you're hiding from her? Guilt?

'I've all but admitted I return her feelings. How am I supposed to tell her there can't be anything between us? I don't want to hurt her, not after everything she's endured.'

There were many things Francis hated about their family life as royalty, but watching his father have a constant public stream of mistresses while his mother suffered on the sidelines was one of the more unpleasant ones. She deserved her own right to happiness, whether she believed it or not. She deserved far better than his father had ever given her.

'Mother, believe me as I do not say this lightly. We both know Father will never change his ways, and I know you love him in your duty as his wife dictates you must, but I have never seen you affected by him the way you have been by Charity. The way you are with her.' Francis paused, knowing the importance of what his next words would carry.

'I am not the King and I don't have that power, but I am the Dauphin and I believe that carries some weight. If you love her, if she loves you... don't waste it. If it's what you both want, be together.'

'Francis-' he raised a hand, silencing her.

'I meant what I said. I will support you and protect you. We all deserve some happiness in our lives. Even royals.'

She looked at him with such tenderness, as his words sunk-in. His support didn't change anything, not really, but she loved him for saying so. She hugged and kissed her beautiful son. She had done many things wrong in her life, but he surely wasn't one of them.

'Just... be discreet. Whatever you decide. I know it's not fair, but just to make things easier.'

Despite this, Catherine continued to keep her distance. Not that I blamed her. Our encounter kept running through my mind and I wasn't foolish enough to think she wouldn't be unsettled by it. I hoped I hadn't gone too far, but her reluctance to face me (let alone acknowledge it) concerned me.

Not only my dear friend, she was my Queen and that had to come above all else. Like it or not, I had to follow her lead, if she only gave me the option to do so. We share and conspire together, scheme and defend and take all the blows that come with it - the loyalty I provide is a security for some, a calling for others and it requires a dedication that comes from the soul. I had surely proven myself to her in all that. Because everything about me belongs to Catherine: not just my loyalty but my heart and soul. Without her, my life would have no meaning to it and I had to make her see that. Or I would if we were to ever spend any time alone together.

Now that we'd actually crossed that line, she was going to be more conflicted than ever and I knew she needed time to figure out how to move forward. I realised if I pushed her, I risked losing her, so I had to accept when nothing was spoken. When all she could give me without exposing herself were stolen looks, whatever message they might carry.

I know, how much can you really tell from a look? But I could, I'd known Catherine far too long not to be able to read her. I knew her better than anyone and those looks were intended to speak to me. To tell me she wasn't pretending nothing happened, that things hadn't changed between us. She just couldn't show me affection, not while she processed her own feelings, but it made me long for the times we'd had any connection, when I'd been able to entwine her hands in mine, our fingers linked together. A small connection, admittedly, but significant to me.

To be continued...