Tainted hands

Chapter 40

"Good cause I have had enough of this sexist family." And just like that, I sprinted to my room. Being thankful I didn't bump into anyone else. I need to calculate everything; I need to process all of this.

Ryan had a son... Ryan the man who was best friends with mamma but broke the relationship when he and his father kidnapped mamma and killed grandpa. Blaze is related to the man who kidnapped grandma and broke my whole family apart. His father was evil, his grandfather was Satan. But is Blaze like that? Is blaze like his father and Grandfather.

I know the answer. I don't need someone to tell me for me to know that Blaze is different. But I know what I need to do, it is something that I have always done. Is that to protect the people that I love, I need to push them away. My heart just needed an excuse, it needed the strength to be able to push him away.

The warmth around my blanket soothed and comforted me. Although he is gone, I still want to feel loved. I want to feel the love and support he was able to give me. My mind then raced to him. I didn't even ask why he was drinking. Blaze never drinks not to that level.

"My family were murdered."

I could never imagine the level of pain that he has gone through over the years. Just the thought of it brings another wave of pain to my chest. Because I know that I did what everyone else has done to him in the past.

I left him.

Knock knock

A soft groan left my lips when the door was opened and an unwelcomed guest walked in. "Hey, sweetheart! Rose is here, we were going to go sho-. Why are you in bed?" I buried my head in my pillows. I just wanted to be alone right now. I did not want to see anyone.

"Are you ok?" she rubbed my back trying to be comforting. But all I could think about was the hidden whip slash scars.

"Your beautiful." He whispered softly. I snorted loudly waving his compliment away.

"Have you seen my back? have you seen my arms? Have you not seen my body? I am not beautiful." His eyes darkened and he grabbed my chin forcing me to look at him.

"Yes you are, and if you think scars are what makes you ugly then what am I? My back is what tells my past as well as the marks on my wrists. What marks the chain I was bound too. If scars are what makes someone ugly then what am I?"

"Beautiful," I whispered running my hand through his hair. He smiled and kissed my head delicately.

"Scars aren't what determines someone's beauty, it marks where someone has been. Your scars are what tells your story and strength. Because with every scar you have gotten it is every battle you have gone through."

"I love you."

"I'm fine, I just have my period," I mumbled using yet another lie. I couldn't bear to look into mamma's eyes. I wondered if she could see my guilt.

"Are you sure? Because if someone hurt you I will hunt them down and I will ri-."

"Mamma I said it is ok." Her eyes softened and she looked at me complexed.

"Oh, ok honey well come downstairs because I made tacos for dinner. They are your favourite... if they won't cheer you up, I don't know what will." She winked brushing my hair with her fingers.

But it won't make me happy.

I walked into the dining room and saw my family, rose, I saw Papa and uncle Louis. 'Uncle Louis wanted to join us." Mamma chirped.

"Yep, wouldn't miss the opportunity for your taco ever." My eyes never left Papas and Uncle Louis's. I didn't feel love or warmth towards them, I felt anguish and resentment.

"BECAUSE YOUR FAMILY KILLED MY FAMILY!"

I know for a fact that Blaze's mum was innocent and so was Blaze's stepdad. Yet my family still killed them. They killed the innocent and for that, I will never forgive them. "So has little miss perfect fixed her attitude yet?" Juan smirked.

I gripped my fork glaring at the strangers in front of me. These are the people who I have been protecting all these years. These people are murderers, worse than Satan himself. Nearly as bad as Boss and Tony.

"Are you ok Peanut," Louis asked smiling kindly?

"I'm fine." I am not fine.

"Just tired." Just heartbroken and confused. I looked down at my food and all the hunger I recently felt was replaced by disgust. "Mamma I am not hungry, is it ok if I go back to my room." From the corner of my eye, I could see rose staring at me with sympathy acting as if she could read my emotions. While my family just looked confused.

I never act upon my emotions. I hide everything away from them with a big toothy smile but tonight they see it. They see my anger, they see my exhaustion, they see my sadness but what they don't know is that it is mostly caused by them.

They were the ones who killed Blaze's mother and stepfather. They were the ones who did wrong by Boss and Tony. They were the reason why I was kidnapped and now they are the reason why I had to break his heart. Because how could I stay with him? He should hate me; he should want to kill me. He should still want his revenge. And the fact he didn't, the fact he loved me despite that. Made me angry, it made me livid. Because I don't deserve him.

I never did.

"Ok honey." She smiled placing her hand on my shoulder. "I will put your dinner in the fridge so you can have it later." I averted my eyes from my family's questioning eyes.

"Thanks, mamma." I kissed her cheek then went back to my cave, to my safe haven. I went to bed rewrapping myself with the blanket. Hoping that maybe tonight I will be able to go to sleep. Sleep my problems away, sleep my memories away and hope to God that I can have a night where I forget everything that has happened. Hoping that for just one night the guilt will stop consuming me.

But it never did...