Country Girl at Heart

Chapter 8

Loud, sporadic footsteps coming from downstairs jolt me awake. It sounds chaotic, like something is wrong. Panic pulls me out of bed and into the hall in seconds. The lights are on downstairs and I see Wren go running by in a hurry.
     "Uh, hello?!" I stop him. "What is going on?!"
     "The calf is comin'!" He yanks the front door open and looks up at me. "We have a heifer ready to give birth any minute now!"
     Ali pads out of her room, standing against the railing on the other side of the house from me. "What's all the racket?"
     "We're boutta get a new calf tonight!" His gaze is direct. He's pumped up, like this is the most exciting thing thats going to happen all week. "Y'all comin'? I'm gonna need one'a ya."
     "I'm good." Ali's door is shut before I can argue.
     I let out a disgruntled groan, realizing I have no time to talk myself out of this. After throwing on my work boots, not having time to change my shorts and tank top pajama set, I follow him out. I swear if I get cow juices on this silk... I will cry.
     He literally takes off running for the barn, giving me no choice but to do the same. I come clunking in, gasping for breath just in time for the cow to start pushing. To my surprise, Dawson is here, helping the cow give birth.
     The entire scene is intimate and raw. I've never seen anything like it. Everything happens quick, stunning me to stand back and watch like I'm in the movies. They're talking and directing each other in words I don't understand. Dawson helps catch the calf and dad does the after work.
      My focus doesn't leave Dawson's movements, it can't. I'm mesmerized. The way he talks the cow through every step, encouraging and praising her as if she can understand. It has me melting into a puddle. I admire the way he handles them with care, making sure they're both comfortable. When it's all over he sets the calf on the hay and it curls up into its mama's side so it can get licked clean.
     "Grab that pail over there." Dad calls to me. He's still positioned at the back of the cow, working on getting her cleaned up.
     I nab the bucket and run it over. He uses the wet rag to wring it in the water and wipe all the gunk away.
     "Lexi." Dawson whispers, waving me to him. He squats us down by the calf's side, and I watch it take some of its first breaths. This is such a miraculous process. I'm astounded by the strength it took for this cow to deliver, and the innocence of this baby animal. It feels so special that I get to witness such a thing.
     "Is it a boy or girl?" I watch it get to know it's body.
     "It's a boy," he keeps his low tone. With the dim of the light it adds to the calm, serene atmospheric bubble we seem to be in.
     "He's a little miracle." I want to reach out and pet him but I would never deprive the mama cow of this critical time with her calf.
     "Yeah, he is. Most people who aren't from around here think the animals are just that... animals... as if there's nothin' more to 'em. But they're actually highly emotionally intelligent beings. They feel the pain of birth. The connection between offspring. Unconditional love for their own. Animals are sensitive and stubborn. Free but contained. Compassionate, friendly, and curious."
     "Wow. You make it sound so enthralling. Now I want to spend every second I have watching this little guy grow. Get to know his personality."
     "You should." He smiles at me. "The bonds you form with the animals who serve you is unlike any human relationship. They rely on you to survive. To eat and be taken care of and you the same."
     "I get it now."
     "Get what?"
     "Why you like this work so much. I thought you chose to look at everything around you with such optimism, now I know... It's rewarding to you. It makes you feel good to take care of others. To love something unconditionally. You literally use your own physical strength to keep up with it and I haven't heard you complain once." I look at him. "That's all I've done since I've been here. You probably think I'm such a brat." I've never been one to self reflect on my attitude, but I'm slowly seeing my behaviors in a new light. Growing up in the city, everyone has an attitude. It's all I know. If I hadn't come here there's no way I would have discovered these as flaws on my own.
"Eh, you just know what you want... and workin' a ranch the rest of your life isn't it. You're a city girl, through and through."
I few days ago and I would have agreed on the spot. Now, after witnessing this birth and understanding why Dawson and Wren like it here so much... I'm not so sure. From the outside, this looks so grungy and exhausting. I've come to learn that once you're in it, you can't help but fall in love. I'm going to be sad when I leave... not to say I don't have so much to look forward too back home still.
Wren scuffles around with all the dirty equipment and hauls it out of the barn. Dawson watches him, as if he's waiting for us to be alone to say, "Wanna know how I can tell you're a city girl?" He looks at me with a smirk. "You showed up to help a cow give birth in those tiny pj's you got on."
I look down, realizing these shorts are too loose and I'm not wearing a bra. Which makes the spaghetti strap top a lot more interesting to look at. I can tell from the way he's trying not to admire the view. Not that I mind.
"What?" I blink, innocently. "You dont think it matches the shit covered boots?"
"I think they go together just fine."
"If you like my pajamas, you'll love the little black dress, which I'm still waiting to be able to show you," I hint.
Noise from Wren coming back forces us to stop the playful banter, even though I was having fun. "Alright kids, time to let 'em get acquainted with each other. Let's go."
As we're walking out Dawson turns to Wren and says, "I know I've already stolen her away from you this week, but, I'd really like to make Lexi dinner at my place tonight. If you don't mind, that is."
My heart strings yank in opposite directions. Did he just ask Wren for permission to make me dinner tonight?
Yes, yes he absolutely freaking did.
I try to contain my smile as I look at Wren for his reaction.
He sighs the second he sees my pleading expression. "Alright, fine. Just don't be out too late."
"Thank you, sir." Dawson turns his attention to me. "I trust you got somethin' appropriate to wear?"
A tingle shoots down my spine, knowing exactly what he's referring to. "Don't worry, I have just the thing."
"Alright, alright." Dad waves him away. "Skedaddle. I expect you ready to work in a few hours, boy. No excuses."
"Yes, sir." Dawson starts to back up. "Be at my trailer at seven." We watch him run the rest of the way until he's out of site.
"Know what you're doin' there?" Wren catches me off guard. He's not being overbearing by asking, but like so many other things, I'm not used to a parent that talks to me about boys. Mom never had time to sit me down and explain how to handle them and what to do when you have one. I figured it out all on my own.
"Uh... what do you mean? We're just hanging out."
"Uh-huh," he snorts. "Come and sit with me a sec." It's 4am, I'm half asleep, and he's covered in labor fluids, but sure... I guess right now is the perfect time to have a heart to heart. The tone in his voice and the fatherly look that gleams within his hazel eyes tells me that's where this is headed. The sooner I can end this, the better.
     "It's really nothing. I'm taking everything day by day. Trust me, I don't have any expectations." I follow him up the porch. "We're just messing around." I hope that's not too forward to hear his daughter say but we never established those boundaries, so anything is fair game at this point.
He sits in the rocking chair we found him in yesterday, so I sit in the one next to it. Across the fields, the sky is is slowly awakening, setting a gentle cast of pinks and blues over everything down here on the ground. Other than the subtle rocks from our chairs and the early morning chirps from critters and bugs, it's a nice quiet.
I wish I knew what he was thinking... did I upset him by telling him about Dawson? Not that we're even doing anything bad... a few heavy make out sesh's are pretty standard. "Are you mad?" I look at him, trying to read his expression. Not that I know his personality well enough to be able to.
"Not at all. I know young love when I see it." He lets out a strong sigh. "Just never thought I'd be seein' it happen to you, is all."
I laugh out loud. Is he crazy?! I am not in love with Dawson. And there's no way he's in love with me. "Trust me, that is not what this is."
"How do you think love starts?" He looks out into the growing sunrise. "Love is somethin' that grows from bein' smitten. It's coaxed by forbidden touch and stolen kisses. And lots'a time to do nothin' but talk. Which I assume is what's been goin' on 'round here with the two'a you."
I don't have a response, because a) this is the first deep conversation I've had with him in 10 years and b) his logic is right... I think that's exactly what we're doing. It's just not something I've thought about being a possibility. I want to get up and run away from the knowledge he's dropping but I force myself to stay in this chair. He and I are having a moment, and I'll be damned if I screw it up by running away like I always do.
"Your mom and I used to look at eachother like that, ya know. Have you ever heard the story'a how we met?"
     My stomach drops. We're entering into uncharted territory and I don't know if I'm ready. "I never asked."
     His gaze transitions from peaceful to nostalgic, as if he's picturing it in his head now. "Mona and her friend were passin' through when they broke down on the side'a the rode. Her shiny new Beamer made my ol' Ford look like a piece'a shit. First thing I noticed is her hair was cut short and dyed black, makin' her complexion seem like it was glowin'. Anyways, I happened to come across 'em and help 'em get to the shop. They needed to order parts so they stayed in the hotel in town. We ran into each other again at the diner. Ended up hittin' it off and... well... she never left."
Hearing this for the first time is putting me in my feels. "She never left?"
     "Nope. Bought her friend a flight home, dropped her at the airport and we bought this ranch a year later. Then a tiny, toe headed little girl was born a while later."
      I swallow a sob. So many emotions I've kept buried deep, deep down are being brought out. The ones that have an attachment to my parents actually being my parents, together, and in love. It's eye opening to hear his side of the story. I can hear it in his voice, and the way he's looking out to the distance as if the younger version of Mom is standing right there in front of him.
     I'm more so overwhelmed with guilt for letting her take me and put these bias thoughts in my head. I'm sure she didn't mean to, but the way she spoke of him 100% morphed what I thought about him. I can't imagine how he felt when his wife, who he clearly loved, decided he wasn't good enough and moved across the country... taking his little girl with her.
     That type of pain and heartbreak never heals. It's something I didn't work out because feeling it is too much. But the reality of the situation is much worse than I perceived it to be. Both he and I were taken from each other too soon. And now my heart feels like it's cracked in two. One half hurts for the seven year old girl who was forced to grow up without her father and the other half is being beat to death by the thoughts of what Wren's been going through all this time.
     He clears his throat, as if he's getting choked up too. "I was new and different. The guy she never thought she'd fall for. But she did. We loved the hell outta each other. I guess in the end, she did end up leavin'... eventually."
     "Why are you telling me this?" I say as polite as I can. I don't want him to think it's not appreciated, I truly want to know why he brought this up.
     "Because I don't want you to suffer the same fate. I want to make sure you've thought this out. When it comes to you and the boy."
     So he's comparing what happened to him and Mom to Dawson and I? "I'm leaving in a few weeks. He knows that."
     "Yeah, well... just make sure you both know what you're gettin' yourselves into before either one'a ya forgets. That goodbye will be hard enough, harborin' any feelin's won't do anyone no good."
     "I appreciate the warning but I know what I'm doing." I think of any way to lighten the mood. "I am a ball of spit fire, remember?"
     His chuckle is low, "Don't I know it."
     He doesn't look over after that because he's too busy watching the sun reveal it's face over the mountains. I'm sure it's a sight to see, but I can't look away from him. I don't want to. I'm suddenly becoming an empath, feeling so deeply for another person it pains me in every way. I wasn't ready to hear the truth about my parents past, but I'm glad I know. I just wish it didn't upset me so much.
     I'm pissed off that Mom didn't give me a chance to form a relationship with him outside of her own bias. I'm sad because he clearly remembers her like it was yesterday and he's had to spend years with this weight on his back. And I'm regretful that I never thought of a different scenario than the one that was put in my head. There's no way I will be able to make up for the time lost due to my ignorant, naive self... but maybe Dawson was right, maybe we can start to get to know each other like it's the first time.
     "I'm sorry Mom did that to you. I should have known better. I should have called more and visited often... and I'm sorry."
     "Oh no, Lexi. Ain't none'a that your fault. I should'a been the one to reach out. I'm the dad. Please don't blame yourself for my short comin's. And your mom... don't be mad at her. She's a ball'a spit fire too. She was always thinkin' ahead, tryin' to get further in life. Me and this ranch were holdin' her back is all. We were holdin' both'a ya back."
     There's no way we can know if that's true or not. Maybe staying here with him would have been better for me. Or me coming here every summer and quarter break while spending the school days with Mom. I don't want him to go on living thinking I was better off without him. Now is my opportunity to say something that kick starts our healing.
     I muster the courage to say, "Just so you know... I think growing up here on the ranch, with you, would have been just as good as growing up in the city. I wish I would have been able to experience that."
     "That's alright, ain't no use in wallowin' in the what if's of life. You're here now, that's all that matters."
     "Thank you," I look him in the eye, "for sharing that with me."
     His smile is full of hope as he stands. "Just one more thing... and you're not gonna like it, but bare with me here. It's a fatherly obligation to remind ya," he sighs and looks at me straight on, "just don't forget to use protection."
     The expression that hardens my face I'm assuming looks utterly disgusted and thrown off.
     "Told ya." His voice gurgles up through an awkward laugh. "Now get inside, I'm givin' ya the day off. Gives ya plenty'a time to rest and get ready for your dinner tonight."
     I nod, still shocked at the turn of this conversation, then dart into the house. I think that's enough father daughter bonding for one day, or maybe even the rest of the year.