Christ Dies Tonight

[Trigger warning // parasuicide and rape]

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CHRIST DIES TONIGHT

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THE NIGHT WAS SILENT EXCEPT for the raging wind. The moonlight zoomed past him in several broken noodles from the sea. His oversized shirt was pounding on his torso; he was freezing from the inside, yet he gazed at the moon as his life hung in a balance.

Christian Kein Lim stood on the guardrail, and his legs were begging him to take a break. He labored a breath; he shut his eyes. The air smelled of cadaver. His heart had been quiet all this time, and his mind had been at peace. Something deprived of him since his father died four years ago. Raising his right foot from the concrete, it glinted over the seawater.

“Chan? What’re you doing there?” a meek but familiar voice called out behind him.

The moon was still looking down at him when Christian opened his eyes. “The moon's beautiful from up here.”

A smile plastered across his face. Since when had Jurnyll been calling him with the nickname? They hadn’t even been talking.

“You need to come down,” Jurnyll said, voice still low and careful.

“I am calm,” he replied.

“No. I mean, get down from there.”

Christian turned around almost as if he had done this a couple of times, but today was his first and probably his last.

“Jurnyll,” he said and forced a smile, “it’s a petty you can only appreciate one type of beauty.” The image of his girlfriend’s bestfriend, Catherine, flashed in his mind.

“Chan, there are many places you can enjoy the same view. Places less dangerous.”

The light reflected the hesitation in Jurnyll’s eyes, and his hands shook in faint back-and-forth motion.

“This here is the least dangerous place.”

Where else would be safer but at the top of a bridge guardrail? Best than watching the same view at the balcony of the house in constant fear your step-father might show up any moment and force you to have sex with him. Here was incomparable than any other places. At least since last week when the jerk started forcing himself into him.

“Chan, whatever you’re going through, it will all pass. You just need to have faith.”

A surprised laugh bubbled out of him. “It won’t pass,” he said sharply. “Saying it won’t change anything. Not even faith can."

Jurnyll stepped forward, and Christian took a step back as if it were programmed in him to maintain a safe distance from people. He lost his balance and swayed from side to side.

“Don’t,” he shouted when Jurnyll attempted to take another step. After steadying himself, he said, “Don’t come closer. Stop trying to dirty yourself. You’re better off estranging me."

“That’s foolish. Being with you won’t dirty me or anyone else in any way.”

“Yeah, you’re not sure about that.”

“I am.”

The resolution in Jurnyll’s voice rubbed him in the wrong way. With lips pursed and brows knitted, he said with the same amount of conviction, “You’re not.”

Christian took another step backward. This time more cautious than the last. “Stop pretending you care about me when all you care is your ulterior motive.”

“I…” Jurnyll looked away. He bit his lip and creased his brows. “I’m sorry if it looked like that, but I do want to reach out to you.”

Christian smirked. He couldn’t believe the guy would take it this far to convince him. “Why? You and I are standing on opposite worlds.” Everyone knew Jurnyll was outgoing, while he lacked the social skills to be around people. “There’s so much noise over there.”

“It’s exactly because there’s too much noise in my world; my voice is drowned.”

So it was still about Jurnyll. Not because the man was interested to be friends with him. Christian turned around and inhaled the salty air. His legs warned him they would break down any moment.

“And you expect me to accept you just because you think it’s less noisy over here?”

“No. I know your world is just as noisy. That’s why you’re standing over there.”

The moon looked at him with pitiful eyes. Christian searched for his tongue but it holed up behind his teeth, refusing to move and refute Jurnyll’s words. The wind banged him with the same painful force, but his insides chilled more with each passing second.

“You want the noise to stop, and you think associating with the outside noise won’t help you, but your isolation is backfiring on you. Instead of stopping the noise, you’re creating more space for it to sound louder. The more you isolate yourself, the louder it gets.

“You have to stop shouldering your pain alone. It’s fine to share it with people who are willing to shoulder the pain with you. Your girl is there. Me! I’m here. Share with us.”

“That's some TED,” Christian said with bated breath. The noise lurked in the silence that washed over them. “Then do you have a world for me to stay?”

“W-What?”

“A world without noise,” Christian said to the moon. “A world where I can feel safe, where no one can sexually assault me.”

“I-I don’t understand. What do you mean?”

“I told you, you’re just going to get yourself dirty trying to associate with me.”

“What’s really happening to you, Chan? Tell me so I can understand better.”

He forced a tight-lipped smile. There was no point in telling his life to another. His step-father was his mother’s boss, and going against him would affect his mom; he couldn’t afford burdening his mother with his own affairs.

“I’m going to be fine,” he said, more to convince himself. “There’s no need for you to play hero; it’s midnight, you’re better off going home.”

His heart dropped as Jurnyll heaved behind him. A pair of slippers clomped against the ground, growing distant. Was he actually expecting the guy to save him? No! He didn’t need saving. He wasn’t in any danger. He was crossing to the other world.

His legs grew numb. It was time to end the noise. Closing his eyes, he smiled and stepped on the air. The water punched the numbness out of his legs with an iron fist; his skeleton suffered a heavy blow, before the water pulled him down to its depth and left all the noise above the surface. Just as the darkness fully enveloped him, two arms wrapped his chest and pulled him out of the water.

A palm rubbed his back as he turned on his side and coughed out the seawater. He rested his temple on the cobbles, his body starting to ache again. Two hands gripped on his right arm and Jurnyll's head rested on their back.

“I'm playing the hero,” the guy said through clenched teeth, “and you”—he looked at him, barely raising his head—“you're coming to my house."

The noise came rushing back inside Christian's head. The wind blew stronger and his inside chilled outward, and where the two frost collided. . . .there was warmth.

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dondoLOL