•͟U͟N͟D͟E͟R͟S͟T͟A͟N͟D͟ ͟c͟a͟r͟t͟i͟u͟z͟i͟•͟

XII

I focused my attention back onto Caleb and Travis. "Ya know, maybe he's tryna steal Summer from us or Nayvadius." Travis suggested. "Nah listen to this, G," Caleb theorized, "I think he's gay for Montero." Just the mere thought of someone else getting to Symere before me made me get pissed, as selfish as it sounds. After that statement, I got up and excused myself to go to the bathroom, just not wanting to hear where their conversation was going.

I went into the bathroom, and started to splash water onto my face, trying to just calm myself down. "You're not losing it, this is completely normal," I reasoned with myself, "I just need to treat this as like a grieving process; the loss of a friend and crush, my little, sweet, adorable Symere. Fuck, I gotta stop thinking about him."

I stared at myself in the mirror, being disgusted by what stared back, "What have I become? Would regular Jordan do that? Would he break his friend's heart unintentionally, and then refuse to apologize for his mistakes because he's too nervous? What would regular Jordan do? Regular Jordan would march his ass right over to Symere's table and apologize immediately, and try to explain that the whole issue was a big-ass misunderstanding, and that regular Jordan would never mean anything like that."

With this boost of self-confidence, I felt ready to return to the lunch room. I was ready to return to Symere. Except, the lunch schedule didn't agree with me, and the bell rung, informing me that I had to go to Psychology class. I brought myself up from the sink, and began to walk out of the restroom, unsure of what to really do next.

I couldn't keep these thoughts to myself, because if I did, I knew it would only get worse, and would begin to destroy me from within. "Well, who do I trust the most?" I thought to myself, as I trudged through the hallway listening to Ivy by Frank Ocean, "I know that if I'm gonna be honest, and tell the whole situation, I've gotta tell them everything, including my feelings for Symere." At the moment, I really only had two people I could trust: Caleb and Travis. And while I loved Travis, I fucking lived with Caleb, so he was gonna have to be the one I told.

I sat through Psychology, and later European History with Travis, debating what words I should use, and how I should be delicate about the situation. This was the first time that I had told someone about who I liked since I had told my friends about how I felt back in North Carolina. Needless to say, it didn't go well.

I remember the day almost crystal clear: it was April, and we were hanging out in the lunchroom. I'm not sure what was going through my mind that day that made me want to tell them, but apparently, it was something extremely important. My friend group consisted of me, and my other friends Adrian, Pierre, and Destin. We were chill enough, but we never really talked about anything other than heterosexuality, and as far as I knew, nobody felt otherwise.

But anyways, we were all sitting in the lunch room, talking about how Pierre had just scored a date with this one girl in our grade that was well known for being amazing to fuck, and then I said, "Ya know y'all, sometimes I think I like dudes." Everyone stopped what they were discussing and looked over at me, confused. "You like dudes? Like, deadass, LGBTQ dudes?" Destin asked.

"Well," I continued, "I don't really know, because sometimes I think certain guys are mad cute." They all started to laugh wildly, with Pierre shouting at me, "Would you date a boy like me, faggot?"

I looked down, feeling bad that I had told them, "It's not like that, Pierre." Pierre continued to laugh, "BITCH, YOU JUST SAID YOU LIKED BOYS!!" After that, both Destin and Adrian started laughing even harder than they were before. I felt victimized, excluded, and judged. Homophobia really did suck.

"I've liked certain boys for awhile, I jus didn't wanna tell y'all." I said under my breath. "You tellin' me you's been a fag for the entire time?" Adrian asked. I nodded my head. "Which boys you liked?" Destin asked, starting to regain his breath. "Nunya, fuckers."