A PHOENIX

PHOENIX

'Life keeps us breathing just to kill us in the end.' You have come outside to get away from your family, it is all too much. It is New Year's Eve, your family is going crazy, trying to work out their New Year's resolutions. Ways to make this year better than the last, as if by some miracle writing down your hopes and dreams will make them come true. You are sitting on a decking chair, sunbaking, and reading in the sun. Letting the light burn away your stress. 'Mum says you need to have your resolutions ready by dinner. She said come inside and sit at the table and you can't leave until you have ideas written on paper.' Your older brother Justin has already organized his paper and pen at the table and you can tell he already has a bunch of idea's written down. He looks at you smugly because he knows you have no idea what you want out of this supposedly new leaf, you're meant to turn every year. Your mother never approves of the resolutions you write down each you. "I need you to take this seriously, there's not a reasonable thing on this list. We can't put these ideas into the universe, the world is going to think we don't deserve a good future."

You wait, silently, for her to finish.

'You're resolutions', she'd say with conclusiveness, 'aren't achievable or reasonable.'

And you'd think well they are to me, and as you re-read your resolutions, you realize not one mentions your family. They are all just coded wishes regarding your hope to get away from your life, your predictable, unchanging life.

·

Justin struts back inside as you turn the page of the mystery book you are in the middle of reading; you rebelliously stay laying in the sun allowing your body to tan. You look up at the sky, covered with beautiful clouds, however not overly crowded, allowing still patches of bright blue sky. You could stay like this forever, thinking of anything, being in the sun till your skin burns, then you could move the chair into the shade, and contemplate the meaning of life. You read, free from your family's control, sun's shining on the pages of the book which has that fresh new smell, that smell that drifts into the air making it feel fresher. You surrender yourself to the smell of new possibilities.

The chaos doesn't even start from New Year's Eve, it starts a few weeks before, when you and your family are invited to your relatives dinner parties. The invites are sent out a week before your family is expected to be in attendance, two weeks before the end of December. Your mother gathers all the letters in the lounge room, sorting through the ones she definitely wants to attend and the ones she doesn't. She gazes at each invite, shaking her head if she doesn't think enough effort was put into the invite, or nodding in approval if she does. You and Justin are watching tv with her in front of you, she glances back at you with a disappointed look.

·

Your mother is one of those parents who doesn't let you leave the house unless she knew every detail about you whereabouts. She doesn't even let you drink water without her permission. Your house almost feels like a prison, a big cage you're trapped in. Every day you seem to get into trouble. She makes the biggest deal out of the smallest things. You feel as if each day you die a little more than the day before and eventually you know you'll just be existing, not living.

'Did I not tell you to be home by 10???? Where have you been?' She would ask after you get home at 10.01pm. 'That's it, you are no longer allowed to see this person anymore' she would say after you miss one phone call while you are out with this said person. For your New Year's resolutions, maybe they'll have to do with your hope for freedom Or maybe you'll just ask for the world to be a little kinder to you.

Eventually, after delaying for as long as you can, you put your reading glasses into their case and shut the book. You heave yourself off the desk chair and absent mindedly watch your feet as you put one in front of the other as you walk into the house. Justin is sitting there being self- absorbed, staring you down as you take a seat at the other end of the table. You never could understand how your mother could be so kind to your brother despite how rude and disrespectful he was. Your father is the opposite of your mother and is much more reasonable, but even he can't disagree with your mother, so once again you realize just how alone you are.

·

'I've finished.' You call out to your mother; she comes over and looks at your list.

'Hmmm' she says distantly 'you may go now.' You sigh with relief. You take your list and you go to your room. Since it took you hours to figure out how to write resolutions your mother would approve of, it's already nearly time for dinner.

Dinner passes quickly, no one really says anything. The table is set to perfection, you are all seated in a way that looks presentable. Presentation is key, as your mother would always say. After dinner, your father goes outside and lights the fire spit. You all crowd around sitting on logs. Your mother orders you to fold your lists in half, you look at your brother as you both fold. For once you both have the same look on your faces. The fire has really picked up now, you look at the flames, weaving in the air. Your father goes first, he throws his list into the fire, you watch the ashes of the paper flow up into the air. Your mother does the same, then your brother and now its your turn. You carefully place your paper into the fire, you sit back and watch it burn. It reminds you of a phoenix, that mythological creature your teachers used to tell you about. In a way you realize how alike you are to a phoenix. You feel like a phoenix, every day you rise from the ashes of what's been left behind from your yesterday, once again your outside, sitting on wood, you feel numb but yet you're still alive. Like a phoenix rising from a burst of flames, dying, yet existing.