Hateful Desire

Chapter 22

April 1996

So remember when I said I was going to let that Gryffindor witch go...well that seems like a harder task than I fucking thought it would be. We spend nearly every night together. I have weirdly found myself smelling the pillowcase she sleeps on in my bed when she isn't here, she smells of cinnamon and flowers. What the fuck am I even saying? I have never really ever felt this way before, it scares the absolute shit out of me. My father has found out about her due to my mother having the largest fucking mouth in the wizarding world. I am worried about the knowledge of her becoming more public in my fathers little group. Due to this fear, I have been strengthening my Occlumency. I will not let anyone else see any more of her through my mind. That is private. That is for me. No one will take that.

June 1996

I have returned home for the season. The Manor has been...quiet. I assumed I would arrive home to several followers sitting in my living room waiting to pin me down and give me the mark. Although to my surprise, my mother greeted me with warm arms. My father has been gone for the past month. The first couple days here have been taken up with me in the library reading up on different books about dark magic. I have been trying to prepare for what is going to be asked of me and I have lost part of my mind doing it. I feel as though all the days run the same. The more transcripts I read, the more real it all becomes. She has written to me almost everyday since I have left her. Knowing her, she is probably waiting by her window for her owl to come with a letter signed by my name. I don't even know what I would say to her, "Hi, everything has been good. I have been filling my mind with dark magic because I will have to use it soon! Also I have been hanging out with Death Eaters and will soon become one! Talk to you soon." It sounds fucking ridicualous, but it physically hurts to lie to her. She wants me to come visit her for her Aunts wedding next week. Every part of me wants to go, but I know I can't. I have plans to speak to my father about it when he returns tomorrow, although I know it will be permitted.

July 1996

Yesterday I was initiated. I have become part of the Dark Lords following. It was a simple ceremony. My mother and father were there with a few other Death Eaters. It was my first time meeting The Dark Lord in person, he was tall and dark. They held the ceremony at the Manor. The process was painful and draining. The way the dark mark was carved into my skin felt as though my body was splitting into two. I swore for a moment I was dead. When I woke from the pain, I saw the mark loudly printed on my forearm. I spent the rest of the night trying to scrub it off. I even made Tispy bring me tougher scrubs to try and scrub the skin off. I tried again this morning, yet no luck. I knew this type of dark magic wouldn't be able to be reversed with soap and a harsh scrub. Although, it at least made me feel better for trying. Pretty fucking pathetic I know. Ever since the ceremony yesterday we have had guests coming in and out to share their praises to my mother and father for their son becoming the newest apprentice for The Dark Lord. I haven't left my room since the ceremony ended. There were a few faces I recognized from the Death Eaters at the ceremony, including Theo's father. Pansy's father was also there drinking almost all the Firewhiskey we had. I have my first meeting with The Dark Lord in a couple days. My father tells me then he will give out my assignment. I have yet to write to her.

August 1996

I leave for school in a couple days. After knowing my mission for The Dark Lord, I feel as though I need to start focusing. I have dealt with the girl. I wrote to her the story of Aidan Kiely , hopefully she can try and understand. I know it's fucking vauge of me to just break up with her through a story, but I can't lie to her. I have been trying almost everyday to scrub the mark on my forearm, still no luck. I have decided to wrap it in cloth for the time being to stop the burning and bleeding from me scrubbing too aggressively. My father has been sent to Azkaban. I am unsure of how long he will be there, for the time being I have had to look after my mother. Tispy hasn't been doing much cooking due to the lack of food my mother and I can keep down. I know I have grown thinner and my skin has become a dark shade of sleeplessness. For the past couple of days I have locked myself in our library reading more and more about different dark magic that is nowhere near a bookshelf at Hogwarts. The only thing that has caught my eye throughout the time reading was some sort of dark magical soul splitter called a "Horcrux". I had Tispy send for more transcripts on anything related to this type of magic. I plan to continue my research while at school.