A month has passed since I had a panic attack at school. I've been working on getting better, but I'm starting to lose hope. No matter what I do, I always find myself drowning in my own thoughts. I always think things are going to get better and they never do. Getting my hopes up is pointless. So, why even bother trying? I'll just accept the fact that it will be this way forever.
"Bye, Toki! Remember to call or text me if you need anything."
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Komaru is going away for a week. She and Makoto are meeting up with some of her family in another state that payed for her to go because we had off school this week. Unfortunately, I couldn't go because it's not like her family would buy a plane ticket for someone they don't even know. So, I'm stuck in the house. Alone.
Alone, with nothing but my thoughts. I haven't told Komaru about how I've been feeling. I don't want her to worry about me. And plus, I need to learn to not depend on her so much. I can do this. I just need distractions. How hard is it to find a distraction, I mean, it can't be that hard, right? I begin my search around the house. Looking in every room, every cabinet, every corner, I need something to shift my focus to. Then I realize, I can just write. Writing always helps me air out the bad thoughts from my head. It's like ranting to a piece of paper. I grab a pen out of a cup on Komaru's desk and get my notebook. The second my pen hits the paper, it stays there, forming a dark ink puddle by the tip. Where do I even start? I have so much going on. Should I talk about my childhood, things that are going on right now... what's the main thing that's holding me back? What's the thing that makes me feel this way? Why do I always feel like this? My mind begins to cloud as my thoughts take over. Before I know it, my hand starts to scribble around on the paper, forming words and sentences quicker than I could process. Soon enough, the paper is filled. I take a look at it, reading through the disaster of what my thoughts have been.
Oh my god.
Is this really how I've been feeling? Is this how pathetic I am? Reading this is just depressing. I decide it would be best at this point if I just went to bed and slept my feelings away. I slept for god knows how long, waking up at random times just to force myself to go back to sleep. I don't want to be awake for when Komaru isn't here. Jeez, that girl truly has no idea about how much she means to me. Over and over again, I wake up, fall back asleep, wake up, fall back asleep. At this point I have no idea what day it is. Maybe I should just put a stop to this never-ending cycle. Yeah. It's finally time I put an end to my misery. I'm so sorry, Komaru. I put the piece of paper that I wrote on by the door as well as a goodbye note telling her where I was going and what I was going to do. Just so she understood why I did it. I went to my old apartment building and climbed up to the top. The roof, where I had some memories, good and bad. I used to come eat lunch up here, sometimes I would work on a story, and sometimes I just came up here to get some fresh air. I used to bury my head in my knees and cry. Good thing I'll never have to do that again. I'll never be in pain anymore. I don't want to be in pain anymore. I know it seems kind of selfish to take the easy way out, but it's not like anyone is going to care or notice I'm gone anyway. Maybe Komaru, but that's it. And I'm sure she can find someone to replace me. I know I don't mean much. My life is worth nothing. Even my own mother didn't care for me. I sit down at where I used to sit back when I lived here. I spent so much time burying myself in my sorrows when I would come up here. I look around and take in my surroundings. I wipe my face to find cold tears streaming from my eyes. Was I making the right decision? Well, there's no time to look back now. I've made up my mind. The sky was dark and it was raining outside, as if the sky was setting the mood. The sky gets me. I laugh a little bit. I should laugh for the last time. Get one more chance to feel something, even for a second. I slowly get up and put my hands out to feel the rain. Then I remember what Komaru and I did that one time when it was raining at the park. That was fun. I'm just sorry it had to end this way. I look at the sky and smile through my tears.
"Please keep Komaru safe..." I whisper.
I stare at the ground. Hopefully I won't regret this. I take a few steps forward, glancing over the edge. It's a long way down from here. I can already picture myself, gliding through the breeze, feeling the cold, harsh, air against my skin. And then hitting the ground. Then it will be over. Everything. No more pain, no more emptiness, nothing. Maybe me and Komaru will meet again, in another life. I take a few more steps forward, putting my hands on the railings. I looking at the cars, people going places. I hope they're happy. I lift my knee and put my foot on the railing. Wow. I'm really doing this. No going back now. Just as I'm about to push myself up and lean forward...
"PLEASE, STOP!"
(1022 words- haha cliffhanger)
