Once Again

You and the Rain

I take his hands off of my face, frustrations filling my body. "Tadashi, it's not... It's not that I don't love you... I'm just, I can't! You saw what it did to Hiro, I can't hurt him like that!" I can't get him to realize what I'm trying to say if I can't say it. Some sort of force shoves all of the words that have been locked in me out... Well, most of them, the last half was splurged with sobs. "I can't lose you! I-I already did, and," I heave air in and out, unable to catch my breath, "I can't..."

"You can't forgive me?" He sounds so wounded.

"I can't start over!" I am flat out bawling now, my face is read and blotchy. I'm so overwhelmed that the words stop processing. "I would give up anything to reset what happened! Why'd you die?! Why'd you die? Why'd you -" Tadashi tries to pull me into his arms but I won't let him. "Stop! I love you!"

We both stand there shocked for a moment, and my stomach twists.

"I - if we could start over I would but... It's just too... You shouldn't want to start over after this anyways!" He doesn't let me finish. Gently, slowly, timidly, he pulls me in, his hand on the back of my neck. I can't stop myself, it just... Sorta... Happened. His lips meet mine in a moment of electricity, my anger rushes out of my body in a hurried wave and I am consumed in a warm and tingly feeling. It wraps me up as he does. Even though we had dated before he died, this is my first kiss - ever. He kissed me, he kissed me even though I was yelling and screaming and crying. He kissed me with my cheeks still flushed and my eyelashes still wet.

"I want to." His eyes suddenly widen and he ends up stepping back, blushing, and rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm sorry, that was the wrong time, you need support not... Not whatever that was."

"No!" I realize that I said that really eagerly, too abruptly. "I mean, uh... Um... You're good at that. No! Wait, okay, uh, um... I needed that." I vaguely smile and feel my face turn pink.

"Yeah, uh... Wait, you what?" Wow I just can't say the right thing! I guess that I'll just be as straightforward as I can.

"Tadashi, I'd love to start over, I'd love to be yours again, but you know that it's just not that simple." I wish he could understand, I just can't formulate the words enough to make sense.

"When we were together everything was simple."

"But things are different now."

"But they don't have to be." He always has an answer. Before I know it he is darting all over the room and splays out a white bed-sheet on he floor.

"What are you doing? If my mom comes up here I won't be able to hide this stuff quickly enough." My worry spreads throughout my head, causing throbs to bounce around inside of my mind.

"Not important." He responds as he digs a handful of tiny candles out of a cardboard box. "Do you have any matches?" I point at the shelf above the washing machine. He nods and reaches up to grab them. Tadashi organizes and lights all of the cheap little candles. He sits down, one knee in the air with his arm resting on it. With the opposite hand he pats a spot on the thin blanket that he is sitting on.

"Tadashi, what are you -"

"Trust me." And I do. The rain drums above our heads as the small flames of the candles flicker and dance around on their wicks as we sit there next to each other. That's all that we do, we don't talk, we just look up at the heaven's teardrops tapping on the glass skylight. We can't see any stars, the clouds conceal the glimmering faces from us. I look over at him, his brown bright eyes filled with some kind of wonder.

"What?" I say, still confused as to why he's doing this.

"Don't you recognize something about the setup?" The familiarity has been eating away at me, and it's not until this second that it hits me. "The only difference is that on our first date we were sitting on the curb of the road on a clear start night and it wasn't raining."

Regret fills my lungs. "I wish it'd rained that day - the day of the fire I mean. He perches upward a little more and asks me why I say that. "I don't know, when I thought you were... When I thought you were dead... I thought that maybe, if it had rained, you would've, I thought that maybe you would've lived."

"Does it hurt you to listen to it?" He asks, concern in his eyes.

"Actually... No. For a little while it gave me some sort of hope, just a glimmer of hope. But, the hope died when they said you did." We both breathe a sigh. "I hate the rain."

"I love it." He says reclining onto his back. He lets out a small chuckle. "When I was stuck in that coffee shop, I'd see you every day. And the fact that I could never hold you, it... Sorry for saying this, but it killed me." I watch him stare at the liquid, crystal droplets pounding on the window. "But for some reason, when I would try and sleep in the window sill of Lillian's house and it rained, it brought you with it. The rhythm of the drops were music to my ears, they were soft and full of brightness, even though they fell from the dark heavens. The sound was almost like your voice. When we were in the lab, some days I'd hear you hum... The steady rain, I don't know, it was like you were there, somehow."

"Tadashi, please don't." I say as the sadness begins to return.

"Please let me." I wait for him to continue, now that I see that this is very important to him and not just for my comfort. My mom thinks I'm in bed anyways sooooo... "When it rained at at night, I... I could hear you, I could see you, I could feel you... I could remember. So during those long nights when it stormed until morning, I could dream about you." Yeah, this isn't awkward at all...

But when I look at him, he means every word. It's that thing that you just know. All of my miserable thoughts come rushing back, and I can't help but tear up. I'm not trying to, I swear to bid I'm not trying to, I swear I'm trying to hold it in. I have absolutely no right putting Tadashi through this. But it's too little too late, he's already sitting up asking me what's wrong.

"I'm fine." My lie is pathetic.

"No, no you're not. It doesn't matter if we're 'together' or not, I'm here for you." I try and object that he isn't obligated to feel my pain, but he doesn't let me. "Look, Honey Lemon, I'm sorry... But I'm going to love you and keep loving you whether you feel the same way or not." That broke the flood gates and my stupidity pulls us right back to where we had started; with me crying and him heartbroken.

Tadashi is now sitting crisscross. He carefully scoops me into his lap, I'm curled up in his arms, if you were to look at us and if your legs were out, we would make a 'T' shape. He's not trying to be romantic or anything, but his arms only make me love him more... Which makes this all the harder.

"Why can't we start over? I don't care about the the whole 'i do' or 'I don't' love you, I just want to understand." his lips are close to the top of my ear, his warm breath trickling down my neck, his forehead is leaned against the side of my temple.

"I'm scared to."

"I won't hurt you... Not again, I promise you that I'll never hurt you like I did again." He whispers, his voice strong and emotional.

"I'm not scared of you Tadashi," I begin, my attempted whisper is broken up by my tears, "I don't want to lose you... I can't lose you again." I finally said it, I love him. I love him and I can't bear the thought of losing him a second time. "Tadashi, what if they find you and take you and -"

"Hey..." His lower lip nearly touches my ear, "they won't." He repositions his hand on my shoulder that isn't leaning on his firm chest. He sits there with me, his chin resting on top of my head, just in front of my bun, and subtly rocks with me curled in his lap for nearly an hour. My tears finally dry up and I begin to drift to sleep as my eyelids grow heavy. I haven't slept in a few days.

"I can't lose you..." I mumble as I allow my eyes to flutter shut. For a long time he sits there in silence, me encased in his protective arms. The last thing that I can remember of the night is his soft voice, humming in his chest - and I hear it clearly as my head rests on his arm and shoulder.

"I'm not going anywhere."