Open Door Critiques [CLOSED]

📜 Old Critiques | 01/29/2021

[HALF OPEN DOOR] by PhoenixDavenport 

Before you proceed, please read through 🚪 First Impressions under the Open Door Resources.

The critique will be formatted with that chapter in mind.

FIRST SENTENCE

Let's see if you've hooked your readers by giving them a first sentence that intrigues, one that accomplishes any of the following:

• states something odd or out of place
• implies something bad is going to happen
• getting your readers to ask a question (why, how, is that true?)
• simply writing something beautiful

So here you have:

"Seventy-two hours. It's been seventy-two hours since my father's funeral but, the pain did not ease."

There's definitely something odd and out of place in this sentence. The tense! Try 'has not' instead of 'did,' as well as 'eased.' Aside from that, I don't believe the sentence implies anything intriguing. I don't feel compelled to ask any questions, either.

FIRST PARAGRAPHS

The rug has been rolled out on the MC's grief and on his father's funeral. It makes sense progression-wise, until I realized: