Ben Shapiro and His Hunt For the Lost PP

A kitchen countertop - Chapter 1

Ben sits on the countertop in the kitchen, just receiving the news of his wife's cousins divorce, he begins to break down.

"Facts don't care about your feelings." Said ben, crying. Sad that his wife's cousin (a recent divorcee) is coming to live with them. 

Anojan (the cousin), just landed in a nearby field after crashing their local airliner into the earth. Walking out scot free, nothing more than a broken bone on him. He begins walking towards the Shapiro residence

"When someone calls you a racist, sexist, bigot, homophobe because you happen to disagree with them about tax policy or same-sex marriage or abortion, that's bullying. When someone slanders you because you happen to disagree with them about global warming or the government shutdown, THATS BULLYING! When someone labels you a bad human being because they disagree with you, they are BULLYING you! They are attacking your character without justification. That's nasty. In fact, it makes them nasty." said ben, still crying whilst eating a raw apple. 

Anojan would bust down the door with his mothers slipper held firm in his right hand. Glaring at ben (still crying and eating his raw apple) "Your tolerance is on the decline" 

"Tolerance fails as a virtue, first of all, because it is in some ways demeaning to people. It is much better to speak of "respect" or "empathy." But that is precisely the problem—common sense tells us that there are people who cannot and ought not to command our respect or empathy. We regard what they stand for as stupid, crazy, evil, or all three. To be respectful of them would be to abandon all moral sense, so that a completely tolerant person would be totally passive, without a moral center. Thus we fall back on "tolerance," which merely means conceding to people the right to be who they are, while withholding our respect. But the determined advocates of tolerance are not content with that and keep slipping back into making tolerance imply the necessity of respect . . . Thus the obligation of tolerance leads inexorably to intolerance, turning the claim to be tolerant into a tautology, a statement that merely repeats itself—"I am tolerant except about those things of which I am intolerant." said ben still sad that his apple is raw 

The dog would bark

Ben would cry louder at the dog

Adam (The daughter), would come round the corner "Sipping on tea, pass me a bourbon" as he grabbed a cold cup of tea and a warm bourbon biscuit. Ben would cry at adam.

"NAME THE TEA PARTY RIOTERS AND LOOTERS!" ben would say after trying to find his wife (calum) who is also crying in the bathroom. 

Ben would walk into the bathroom, looking at his crying wife. Calum would respond "BIG BOY DIAMONDS" as he whipped out his diamond tester, testing bens tears for  diamond activity. Finding none, "Glass" he exclaims crying louder, filling the bathtub with his tears. 

Adam would play on his phone, searching "Ben Shapiro Naked" into the google search bar. He would get excited as his father comes up on the screen. 

Ben would get into his nissan micra, grasping his handbrake "The left is expert at framing debates. They have buzzwords they use to direct the debate toward unwinnable positions for you. They are tolerant, diverse, fighters for social justice; if you oppose them, by contrast, you are intolerant, xenophobic, and in favor of injustice. Now, all these terms are – to be polite – a crock, if considered as absolute moral values. The left is wildly intolerant of religious people and conservatives; that's why they're interested in forcing Christian bakers to cater to same-sex weddings. They are anti-intellectual diversity, particularly in areas of American life in which they predominate; that's why they stifle conservatism on campus and in the media. And as for social justice, if social is supposed to be opposed to individual, then social justice is by definition unjust. The left's use of magical buzzwords places you in a corner, against supposed universal values that aren't universal or universally held."

Ben would drive 557 miles to Caitlyn Jenner's house "Okay, forget about the disrespect, facts don't care about your feelings. It, turns out that every chromosome, every cell in Caitlyn Jenner's body, is male, with the exception of some of his sperm cells. ... It turns out that he still has all of his male appendages. How he feels on the inside is irrelevant to the question of his biological self." he would get out of his nissan micra as he drives it through her 3rd story bedroom window.

Ben was a massive xenophobe, playing with his bay blades whilst cursing the middle east and curb stomping children no older than 4. 

Anojan would also show up to Caitlyn Jenner's house, crashing another local airliner into the roof. causing major damage (not to him of course, he is immortal after all due to his essential oil use)

"a society of essential oils and self-esteem has replaced a society of logic." ben would say after slipping on anojans excess essential oils. 

Caitlyn Jenner would come out, screaming at the now broken bedroom window and airliner lodged in the roof. Ben would look over, exclaiming "We don't live in a perfect world, but we do live in the best world that has ever existed." whilst curb stomping another 4 year old. 

Ben and Anojan would climb back into the bright pink nissan micra, still lodged in Caitlyn Jenners bedroom window, reversing onto Caitlyn Jenner by mistake. "Whoops" said anojan, peeling an onion. 

They would start driving back home, going at least 247 mph in a school zone. They would get pulled over by officer BETA male (their own daughter), "Father! did you know you were going exactly 4.5e6x10mph over the speed limit???" Ben simply replied with "There is no such thing as 'your truth'. There is the truth and your opinion." and proceed to do a burnout through the active middle school. He would get out of the car, screaming at the teachers "It is not right that children be dunked headfirst into the vat of garbage we call popular culture." He would get back in the car after leaving a Tsar Bomba in the middle of the middle school, blowing it up. Then heading home. 

Ben then pulled up on the driveway to the Shapiro residence, smelling an odd onion aroma. He gently pulled his hand away from the handbrake and looked into the backseat where anojan was dressing up for his ballet rehearsals. "Hitler claimed ideological forebears in Kant, Hegel, and Nietzsche;1 Stalin took his cues from Marx; the eugenicists took their ideas from Darwin and Comte." ben would exclaim, aroused. Kissing anojans pinkie toe, it had an odd taste of onions and garlic potentially from the recent kottu roti he was stepping in the previous evening. 

They would begin discussing climate change with each other in the bright pink nissan micra. "Who's to say they wont just sell their houses and move? Checkmate LIBTARDS." ben would say. Anojan would have a visible frustration on his face, getting annoyed with Ben's sheer inability to think. "Only one problem ben, sell their homes to who? FUCKING AQUAMAN???" Anojans rage and fury will simply melt the bright pink nissan micra into the driveaway, leaving no car remaining. ben would go inside and cry. 

Anojan would sleep. Ben would climb into bed with calum, still upset about his melting nissan micra on the driveaway. Calum sits and eats raw drywall whilst speaking a brazilian dialect "ahhh, Pegando um grande caminhão espacial com um bando de estranhos em um planeta de diamante chamado meia-noite? O que poderia dar errado??"

Calum turns around and catches a sneak peek at Ben's humongous, throbbing, turgid bedside table lamp, drooling at the sight. Calum Quivers. 

Next Chapter - The Bourbon Drinker (COMING SOON!)