I wish you stayed | Andrew (Merluca)

Part 13

A bit more than 2 years (2 DAYS LATER)

...

"She can be whatever she wants to be to me." - 14. December 2022

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I was sitting on my couch again, reading in Meredith's notebooks. I had found notes about Suzanne's case. I also read notes about Richard's diagnosis and on the last few pages were numbers and statistics and possible treatments for COVID-19.

It always amazed me how deep she could dive into her medical world. Going through her treatment ideas for COVID-19, I noticed she had written down some things that later had turned out to be effective. If only we knew these things sooner. From a medical perspective I knew that things actually moved in an incredibly fast pace. Treatment methods and vaccines that usually would have taken years, were developed in less than one year. And now there were barely any cases anymore because they were effective. They were fast. It was just too late for way too many people. It was too late for her.

I had shaken my head, trying to not let my thoughts go there again. I didn't like to think about this. It always made me sad. And it still didn't make her alive again. And I knew she wouldn't want me to feel bad because of this. She would want me to try to be happy instead. But that was hard.

I also read some personal notes, she commented next to the diagnosis of Suzanne and Richard. Comments that she was proud of me to have figured out their cases. And to say that a big smile had formed on my lips was a big understatement. And by now I also knew that Meredith never had the intention to take over Suzanne's case, but that she just wanted to help.

Reading about her research, about her medical ideas, and especially reading the few personal notes helped me a lot. It gave me some kind of closure. She gave me some answers to my questions, even though she wasn't here anymore. And for that I was incredibly thankful.

...

A few pages later I saw her answer to the words I had said to her the day she got diagnosed with COVID-19. When I told her that she could be whatever she wanted to be to me.

"She can be whatever she wants to be to me" - Andrew

"I want to be more to him."

It was the last thing written in the notebook.

I let my thumb graze over the words a few times, before I closed the little book again, taking a deep breath.

I just wished I could've had one more moment. One more moment where I could tell her how much I loved her. Because she was more to me. She will always be more to me.

And after everything we have been through, she still wanted to be with me. She had loved me. And even though she wasn't here anymore, she was still there for me, showing me how to move on. She had already shown me how to love again. She taught me everything I needed now. If she could be happy again, then I could try too. For her. I would never forget her or replace her, but maybe I could try to find happiness again, too.

...

I stood up, taking the notebook with me to my room, lying it inside the little box where I kept my own diary and a picture of us.

Writing Meredith had helped me to give my emotions space and to not bottle everything up. I wasn't good at keeping everything inside. I needed to get it out at some point. But with Meredith's death, it hurt me too much to talk about it, so I started to write. And I was glad I did. Because it was a way for me to feel close to Meredith, and letting out what I was feeling, while at the same time processing what happened in order for me to be able to move on, without forgetting her.

I took out the picture of us. Meredith wasn't looking in the camera the moment it was taken, neither was I. But it turned out to be my favorite picture of her because she looked so happy. And I still remembered that I couldn't help myself in that moment but look at her with a big smile, because I loved to see her shine like that.

I put everything back inside the little box, carefully closing it, before I put it back on my desk.

I went over to my bathroom, getting ready for the night, taking my medication, before lying down. This night for the first time feeling like I would be okay, knowing that Meredith loved me. Feeling like I had gotten the closure I needed in order to move on, without forgetting her. And everything else, I would figure out with time.

...

"You are more to me, Mer. You always have been, and you always will be." - 14. December 2022

[You have been more to me ever since we first kissed]

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End of chapter 13