The Tomlinsons | l.s. AU

Chapter 17

"Hi, Zayn, how are you?" I smiled at him when I came to school and saw him at his general seat. We became close ever since the day we talked. And I can't believe it's been more than a month since then. We really got to know each other better since then and I realised how close minded I was before. I was kind of mad at me for it, but if you don't get to know the person, you only know what you want to see. Niall was surprised about our friendship, but he welcomed him into the group. Now there was four of us. Zayn, me, Niall and Ashe. They were going strong, Niall and Ashe and I couldn't be happier for them.

"I'm great today, how are you? Do you want to sit next to me?" We had German now and professor Payne usually lets us change out seats if we want to, which I think, is very nice of him. I nodded and sat next to him. I enjoyed his company. Maybe it was because he was so much like me, maybe it was his shyness or maybe I just felt this sweet connection with him.

"How's everything? I mean, did you have any more panic attacks since last week?" He whispered to me and I froze for a second. I had another one just yesterday.

"I actually had them three times in the last week. I know why I'm getting them and when, but I can't do anything about it. Or at least, not yet." I answered and then the professor came inside and started the class. I loved Mr. Payne. He was a great teacher and he was so nice to all of us.

But I couldn't concentrate. It was only a week more of school and then I didn't know what excuse I'd have not to spend so much time with the Tomlinsons. In the last month I tried my best to avoid them, but I couldn't really. They needed help with the babies and Ivy and Louis were busy all the time, it seemed. Thankfully I was usually alone with them. Holding them while they were trying to walk and feeding them or trying to make them laugh when they were moody.

This whole last month, I tried to avoid Ivy and Louis, but it was impossible, because Louis always tried to talk to me. Every time we were there alone with the kids, he'd stay with me and just talk to me about everything. We never mentioned the kiss.

"Why are you talking to me like this? Like everything is fine? Is that so easy for you?" I whispered to him one Wednesday when we were alone again with the babies and he started talking to me about music. "Because I know, it's hell for me. Every time we talk I only fall deeper for you and I remember all the touches we shared and the kiss. How is it so easy for you?"

"It's not easy, it hasn't been for a while. But I'd rather be hurting while spending time with you, than hurt without you. I hurt either way, but when I'm with you, it hurts and heals at the same time. I'm sorry for hurting you and if you would rather I don't talk to you anymore, I won't, I promise." He answered.

I didn't know what to think. I didn't realise he's been hurting like that too, but then again, he's the one who has a family and loves a younger boy. He's the one who probably is hating himself for it. I didn't know what to think.

"I'm sorry I'm hurting you, too. I'm sorry I came onto you like that and I'm sorry I got drunk that one time and did what I did. I'm so sorry to get you in this mess. And I don't want that. Not talking to you. I'm hurting all the time, too, but I would rather hurt than not have you in my life." I said slowly and he touched my hand. We were both looking at the babies. They were sleeping so peacefully. And I was wishing again they were mine.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I think it was bound to happen. Which is a horrible thing to say, because I hate people who- you know. But I couldn't keep it together anymore. Not a day goes by, that I don't hate myself for everything that happened, but also not a day goes by, that I don't think about our kiss. How alive it made me feel. Harry, I've never felt like that before, but you know we can't do that again. It's tearing me apart and I wish I could give you what you deserve. I wish I could give you the world."