Hateful Desire

Chapter 20

I walk into the common room to find him with Seamus and Ron having a discussion about their favorite Quidditch teams. I walk over to them faster than normal.

"Dean, can we talk for a minute?" My voice is low when I ask. I don't want to draw too much attention to the situation. He nods up at me and stands from his seat. We walk to the other side of the room and take a seat at one of the tables.

"I just talked to Daphne...want to explain what happened?" Dean's face falls and he starts to play with his fingers not wanting to look up at me. He stays silent for a moment.

"I fell out of love with her." His voice wavers as he speaks.

"What do you mean? You two seemed so happy?" I am slightly shocked by his response.

"I don't know how to explain it Olivia," He finally looks up to me, "I felt that she was just a comfort, someone I felt would always be there for me as.. A friend... not a lover. I can't explain it any better than that." He shakes his head at his lack of being able to explain how he feels.

I reach out and grab his hand gently, "It's alright, I understand. I'm sorry Dean." he shakes his head down. I can tell even though he ended the relationship, he is still hurting.

"If you need anything, please let me know. You were so good to me after.. Draco and I." I grin over to him to let him know I am here for him. He gives me a weak smile in response. I can tell he isn't fully there in his mind, but he will be in due time.

_________

"Madam Pomfrey, I am all yours." I smile up at her ready to start my first day.

"Great, if you could take the large basket filled with bed sheets and bring them down to the washroom that would be a good place to start." She motions over to the large woven basket near the back of the room. I give her a nod and start to walk over there to start.

The first hour went by pretty quickly. I brought more sheets to the washroom, reset beds, refilled water, delivered different potions to different bedsides. It was all busy work but I felt like I was doing something somewhat important.

"Miss. Lancing! Come here, I want to show you something." I hear from over my shoulder. I walk over to her standing over a student that seems to have boils covering his neck and face.

"This is Devon Minsterd, he has Boils growing all over his body. I wanted to take a moment to show you hands on how to use an elementary potion on a student." She takes out a small vial of a potion. "This potion can cure these boils right up for Devon. The cause of the boils was from a Pimple Jinx. It is a very minor issue, but I am glad he came to me right away." She takes the vital and hands it to Devon for him to drink. "It will take a few hours for the Boils to dissolve but you will be alright." She gives Devon a smile and walks away as I follow her.

"Thank you for showing me that." I say to her as we walk to the back of the room.

"Well, I was thinking throughout your time here, it may be useful to show you some more simple healing charms or techniques in case I need you to run and do one if I am busy with a larger situation." As she talks she starts to organize some different potions on a cabinet.

I look towards her with a small smile, "I appreciate that Madam Pomfrey, thank you."

"Well get your things, we are done for today. Tomorrow after you do a couple housekeeping tasks, I will show you how to clean wounds and treat small injuries." She waves me off for the day with a smile. I grab my things and head to the Great Hall for lunch. I walk into the Great Hall and see Seamus sitting with Harry and Ginny.

"Hey, where is Dean?" I question the three as I sit down with them to eat.

"He hasn't come out of his room, I asked if he wanted me to bring him any food but he said no." Seamus explains.

"He's wrecked Olivia, have you talked to him at all?" Harry asks me.

"I talked to him yesterday afternoon, I could tell he wasn't doing well but I didn't know it would be this bad." My voice falls slightly out of sadness for Dean. I know how he is feeling right now. I feel like I could be doing more for him.

"Maybe you should try and talk with him more, I know he cares about you the most." Harry says in a soft voice. I give him a nod in agreement.

The rest of my day was spent in different lessons. I have become pretty well at being on top of all my assignments. I can not fall behind like I did last year. I want to be able to keep my independent study with Madam Pomfrey and if I start to fall behind, it will be taken away from me.

I end my night at the library to continue studying some different chapters for my classes. I don't mind putting myself fully into a textbook because it distracts me from reality. As much as I wish I was doing something more fun, it is a nice escape.

Before I know it, the library is empty and silent. I raise my head up from my textbook to look around at the empty tables. I haven't had this much alone time in what felt like years. It feels as though everyday since I saw Draco, I have been piled with people around me. I haven't had a simple moment of peace and quiet completely alone.

I stand from the table I am working at to walk around to look at the different literature. I think it would be good to find a book about healing so I can be prepared for the rest of the term with Madam Pomfrey.

My fingers run along the spines of each book as my eyes weave between different titles. I find myself in the healer section as my eyes skim across different ones.

After finding a new book on the basics of healing I continue to look through the aisles of countless texts. My eyes hit a title of a book that seems all too familiar to me, "Quidditch Players for the Books". I grab the book slowly and find myself sinking to the floor of the aisle. I look down at it and feel my heart grow heavy. My fingers flip through the pages and I find the name Aidan Kiely.

It feels as though I have re-read his story about a thousand times while sitting on this floor. Each time I read the words, they sting more and more. My head jerks up when I hear someone near me. I start to gather my things, until I see a shadow standing at the end of the aisle.

"Why do I always seem to find you here?" I look up to see Draco with his hands in his pockets looking down towards me.

"I was just leaving." I say trying to stand from the floor. I quickly take the Quidditch book and try to hide it behind my body.

"That's probably best." He responds by keeping his head down. We stay silent for a moment as I try to put the book back on the shelf without him seeing the title of it. I brush past him and start to walk away, until something comes over my emotions.

"You know what, I am so mad at you." I stop and turn to face him. 

"I am so, so, so mad at you." His face turns up at me as I take a step back towards him and point my finger in his direction. "How dare you tell me what you did, and how dare you force me to keep this from everyone I care about." I take a deep breath, I will not cry in front of him. "You have made me hate myself for ever loving you." With that, I turn away and walk out of the library as fast as my feet can move.

I can't look at him a moment longer. Everything I said to him is true, I think the biggest reason I have felt so disconnected from myself is because I hate myself. I hate that I loved a man that would do what he has done, what he will do. That scares me the most.