Marked

Wanna Talk About It?

Philippines POV:

It's a weird sensation really, I mean the concept of waiting in the middle of a group of people who never acknowledge you or even see you are one lonely and dreadful feeling I accepted yet wanting to ignore.

Which I can't, you can't really ignore the things around you when you are the only one heed on the atmosphere.

My hand subconsciously grabbed onto my other right wrist just below my waist as a form of restraining myself from getting more self-conscious with me even though no one is acknowledging my existence.
Yet I felt someone is staring at me, judging my every move and I really doubt It's Dmitri...

Sometimes you have this feeling...well, at least for me.
I tend to yearn about being alone at times, just wanting to stay in your room all day and embracing the silence, recharging yourself from socializing.

But at times you want someone to be there for you, having a Conversation about...anything really, just one or more interaction to start of the day.

It's Confusing if I'm an Introvert or not...
or what really is the exact definition of an introvert?

And now, standing in a middle of a group of people that never looked at you once...Yeah, I really want to talk to someone who is in the same standing as me right now, someone like Dmitri who is kinda like my saving grace at times like this.

But he isn't here, I praised myself a little for not freaking out already and I think it has to do with my talk with Dmitri who reassured me that maybe it's the fact that he sleeps late often and that made his late appearances make sense.

But I still can't help but feel goosebumps all over my body just standing silently and staring afar, hoping his here already but I have to be patient, which is hard for me even though I'm a literal 17 years old with responsibilities who is kinda acting like a child waiting in a supermarket for there lost parents to find them.

Okay! I made up my mind! I decided to just go stay in the music room then awkwardly stand around here! I hesitated to move at first but eventually, I smoothly move towards the staircase avoiding to bump or touch anyone.

It's like I'm in a minefield, one wrong step, and BOOM-dead, time to go to hell and stuff like that.
I bit my lip when I finally stepped on the first staircase as relief filled me blissfully. I grabbed the railway running up without wasting any time to just avoid the crowd and when I'm finally at the top.

My hand still planted on the rail while I looked down at the people below...

My eyes wandered through the crowd seeking to find Dmitri in one last attempt, trying my best to tell myself that he'll come through, and without me noticing, my grip tightened on the railway with heavy anxiety I tried to bury deep within me.

But my conclusion came to none when I can't even see a smidge of him, I sighed heavily closing my eyes for a mere second, my yellow golden eyes stray away from the crowd and down to my shaken fisted hand.

"Calm down Philip...calm down..."
I whispered calmly to myself...

This happens sometimes, I can't even get rid of this part of me even if I really want to...
My trembling hand let go of the railway planting onto my chest while my other handheld my trembling one, I started to breathe in and out while turning away from the scene and to the corridor.

I remember manifesting this physical trembling, and fuck...it's not a good feeling...
I guess it stems from my unwinding trauma when I lost them...when I lost my family in front of my eyes.

those days made me shook in freezing coldness yet unbalancing heat of anger that kept me trapped in a cage full of thoughts I wish I never think of or known...
I tend to talk to myself when I'm alone...I don't know if that's weird or normal but it's another way of coping with my emotions.