metro card//MGG

11

"Heather" came on while i was writing this 😖 anyway, enjoy teehee.

there are roughly two (real) reasons that I decided to join Second Circle, neither of which had anything to do with the actual concept of its infernal namesake. firstly, I wanted to enrage my parents. and secondly, I wanted to make them proud.

which sounds completely illogical.

I think with parents, it makes sense. on the one hand, my mother's insistence that I be on stage as a young girl had made me entirely resentful of it. I've never wanted to be in front of a camera; behind it was where everything happened for me. and playing in a band while refusing to be in theater-- that seemed rebellious.

but there's still that performative aspect, from which I had hoped to derive some sort of validation from her. maybe it was off the track she had hoped, although not too far, right? and then there was my dad, who would have to notice me if I was making headlines. high school newspaper headlines didn't seem to cut it, though. I didn't realize that nothing would until I got into college. I was still the problem child, still not worth the energy.

my finest moments of vive le résistance are past, when I could be myself. or maybe I wasn't myself-- there are some parts of me that don't understand if I was pulling out the authentic, reckless Ophelia, or if I just created that side to cope with an internal soulscape of... blandness. I prefer not to think about it.

Matthew seems to think that I've buried something real within myself. but he doesn't know me, not really. how could he possibly have pieced together what I can't piece together myself?

I am thinking about this while zooming the camera lens in on Tia's wide, engulfing eyes. she's watching the door of her shop like she's expecting someone to come in and see her. I was a little bit worried that she might be a bad actress, but she's proven to be quite effective. her relaxed demeanor fits nicely into the character.

her hair is done up in a bun today, held together by two #2 Ticonderoga pencils that somehow appear elegant. in my head, I hear the soundtrack. that's also one of my favorite parts of making my films-- I choose the music. it's the ultimate control.

"okay, cut." I say quietly. the store is mostly empty today. there's sleet outside, melting the freshly fallen snow into puddles of wet slush. I keep getting curious glances from customers as I tape Tia, but I ignore them. instead, I scope out the best places in the Electric Eel to grab some silent shots: a discount bin of Motown records, the can full of wacky pens that sits on top of the register; two people conversing in the back of the store.

the bell above the door makes a delicate ringing noise right as I finish taping the cork board. it's covered in flyers from local bands and DJ's.

"how's it going?" even though he's not talking to me, my head pops up from the LCD screen to see Matthew undoing his scarf and greeting Tia at the counter. I turn back to my task, biting my lip, and pretend to be enthralled.

"great. how was work?" her voice is smooth.

"really fun, actually. where's Phelia?" he glances around, then makes an "aha" noise when he catches sight of me. I act like I don't notice, smiling to myself as I keep my head down to turn off my camera. when I straighten up and turn around, I feign a look of surprise.

"oh. hey, Matthew."

"what're you up to?" he strolls on over. the scent of his cologne is mingled with winter air and a twist of peppermint that I presume is from the stash he keeps in his pockets. he keeps a distance. it's something he's done ever since we got stuck in traffic two days ago. 

"just getting some transitional samples for later." I shrug. "you two ready?"

"definitely." Matthew smiles. Tia heads over to the door of her shop and flips the sign so no new customers come in while she takes care of the ones already in the store. the plan for tonight is to do a scene when the shop is all closed up, with the fairy lights that Tia and I put up last night together. it's gonna be swoon-worthy, in my opinion.