I'm so glad you made time to see me.
How's life? Tell me how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while.
Joey walks over with a folding chair and picnic basket in hand. He lays down a flower from within as he settles himself on a nice patch of grass.
"Hiya! I spoke to your mom today. Told her I was coming over. She says hello and that she loves you." Joey spoke as he bit into a sandwich be had with him. "I haven't seen your family in a minute but I feel like I'm constantly speaking to them" He lets out a chuckle and continues eating.
You've been good, busier than ever.
We small-talk, work and the weather.
Your guard is up and I know why.
"Things with the Tin Can Brothers have been a little rocky recently but I know it will all work out. We are always friends first and foremost and that's what I need right now. I mean we have dealt with issues bigger than these. Remember the Babadook Lo? That was SO much worse." Joey pulls out his phone to find the pictures from way back in the day filming Wayward guide.
Because the last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind.
You gave me roses and I left them there to die.
Joey noticed beside him a rose that must have been here for a little while as it was all shriveled up old and dead. He rolled one of the brown pedals between his fingers.
So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you, saying, "I'm sorry for that night,"
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I go back to December all the time.
"Anyway I'm here to tell you that I'm sorry. I know I'm here saying it like twice a month and it sucks you can't beg out of these little lunches we have. It's been months and I should move on but how could I ever even start Lo? I mean god, you are absolutely everything to me." He glances over his shoulder sensing a movement but soon he realizes some grass is flowing in the breeze that has seemed to pick up. He smiles leaning his head back in the chair allowing the breeze to envelop him.
These days I haven't been sleeping,
Staying up, playing back myself leavin'.
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,
I watched you laughing from the passenger side.
And realized I loved you in the fall.
And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was "Goodbye".
"I tried calling you by the way, on your birthday. I got your voicemail which was totally fine by me. I left you a message because I guess I hoped you would somehow listen to it? I know it's foolish but I don't know the universe works in mysterious ways. Diane misses you like crazy Jay. I mean I do too and I wish you'd just come home already but Diane is a mess. I play some of your old Patreon videos to calm her down. Remember how happy we were? I wish we could just climb through the screen and be those fools again. So blissfully unaware of the treachery that lies ahead." Joey lets out another laugh this one a little bit shakier than the last.
So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you, saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind.
I go back to December all the time.
"I think back to that fucking day in December every moment. I hate that I didn't pick up my phone and in case I haven't said it enough I'm sorry. I was doing something so minuscule I tricked myself into thinking was important. I kick myself everyday about it. I know now more than ever that the only think in this world that matters is you. If I could go back, I would answer that god damn phone before the end of the first ring. I'm just so fucking sorry." Joey hadn't realized he had balled up his hands into fists. He took three deep breaths feeling some of the tension dissolve from within him.
I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile.
So good to me, so right.
And how you held me in your arms that September night:
The first time you ever saw me cry.
"Oh! Another thing those videos reminded me was that you were so hot. Like I know you were hot but damn Lo, that August video. It was when we were walking all the time and you had this glowing tan and I remember thinking, damn my fiancé is hot. I was right. Your smile, absolutely blinding but impossible to look away from and your laugh, even better than that." Joey moves to drink some water basking in the natural silence between them but suddenly feels a few tears fall.
"I thought I ran out of tears last time we spoke but I guess I've rehydrated since then. Remember the first time I cried in front of you Jay? I was so stressed about Starship and school, so drained from travel and over exertion. I just laid my head in your lap and cried. Remember what you did in response because I'll never forget it. You put your hand on top of my head and that's it. So caught off guard by me that you did nothing. I don't think I've ever told you this but that alone is what made me okay again. It made me laugh and brought me so much comfort. It powered me through the entire run. It was all you Lauren." Joey turned his head again blushing lightly and then looked at the ground bewildered that even now, based on memories alone, she can still make him blush.
Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming,
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.
I'd go back in time and change it but I can't.
So if the chain is on your door I understand.
"I'd never switch with you, in case you were wondering. I love you too much to trade and put you through this. All I ask is that you know Lauren that without even one second of hesitation, I would do absolutely anything to alter the events that night." Joey pauses to see if she would answer but she never does anyway. So closes his eyes and he continues.
"There still are no words in the English language to describe how I feel. I'm still working on either finding or inventing one. I miss you like crazy, I think about you all the time, I want to be with you." He pauses again, contemplatively.
"I don't think this is what you what for me. I could find someone new and move on but I love to wallow and I can't fathom a single person better than you. Unfortunately for you, you left me not the other way around so you no longer get a say in how I live my life anyway." His tone becomes angry something he had grown to know will become inevitable with these conversations. He was in no way mad at her, rather himself and the situation but that understanding of where his feelings are coming but from doesn't help curb the tone. He tries to remember to breathe and touch something to ground him. He reaches out left, feeling the stone before opening his eyes. Joey feels calmer as he wraps his arms around it, his face presses up against it, he leaves a kiss on it and places the rose be had brought along on top of it. He packs up what he brought ready to head home.
"I'll see you soon my love."
But this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you, saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
He turns one more time reaching a finger out to trace along the letters etched into the grave.
•Lauren Elizabeth Lopez
March 8 1986 - December 28 2020
Great Daughter, fiancé, friend•
I go back to December all the time.
All the time.
