A Journal For Sanity

Crane: love

I was young. Happy and young and dumb, but I enjoyed life. Living to my fullest, as people say. I had friends and a real family. A family that can love me. A family that isn't fake.

Well, now 3 years later.

I want to kill everything, including myself.

So, how did I get here?

3 years ago, I was chatting with my sister and my mum was on her phone before I went to sleep. At 2 am, I wake up because I hear the sound of crying. I go to my mum's room to see that she is just a crying mess on her bed. And the words that forever would destroy everything, my mental, physical, and emotional health.

"Your Father is a fucking bastard. He cheated for someone of Facebook."

I was 12 at the time, so I don't know man. I cried and cried because the unimaginable, has happened.

This whole fight, this argument or feud went on for 3 years, and yes, its still going. They keep fighting over the phones, dont talk until my dad comes home, and make up. They fight, dad comes home, and make up. And they fucking fight, dad comes home, and they fucking make up.

You get the idea.

Basically, you think "Oh, but, what does this have to do with you?"

Everything.

I have to be a bridge between the idiots. I have to be "Oh, Mum saud this" or "Dad said that" and I have no choice but to.

You know how painful it can be because they wouldn't seem mad at the other, but at me?

Blaming the child, the reason why the family broke apart. Saying "You simply don't care enough. You wanted this."

Hm, maybe I did.

Maybe because lately, it was boring and I was hoping for something to happen. Maybe, just maybe, I was thinking about it and then it happened. Well, either way, when they wont take responsibility, blame the child.

And yet they depend on me on the most simple tasks, and I get berated because I cant do it.

Oh, come on now, if you think its simple, then fuck off and do it yourself. You keep thinking that i would be always happy to serve you.

Im not.

You made me worse.

How? Well, my mental health is really bad. When I bring up therapy, they keep saying that their experience in therapy was bad and it didn't work.

Well, you guys are idiots and I dont care what the fuck you think about therapy, because you are idiots and didn't want it to work. Therapy is something that works if you want it to work. If you are in denial, then how the hell are you going to fix yourself?

Yes, thats right, type on wattpad, see where you go.

But were getting off track.

They just don't care anymore.

My small failures are as big as the universe and my huge accomplishments are as big as a speck of dust. I get yelled at because of petty things. Even a fuckin joke, I get taunted and dissed because it doesn't fit their humor. I try the hardest, fail, and they said that I didn't try hard enough.

You can't have love in a relationship when its just fake. So that crane is destroyed.

You ask "Well, friends? Internet friends and irl friends?"

Okay, well, you see, I did have friends. I really did. They were loving actually.

But then, when I was a dumbass and made dark jokes, I nearly killed one of them. And I was being blamed. Surely, he laughed along. He was sweet, and kind, and so much good that it startled me.

Even when he came back from the hospital, he was so damn cheery that i wanted to cry.

People did warm up to me over time, bit whenever brought up this subject, I end up feeling my body grow still, and I dont move till someone says my name.

Its really sad. They treat me differently.

So what about online peeps? They seem really chill. Most online friends are chill.

Not really no. I do have online friends that I wish to stay with because there were a lot of good memories with them. But, people like the ones on my discord server.

Thats a different story.

Look, I love them. They are cool and sweet. Charming and supportive. The place I would love to stay in.

Well.

I lied.

It was great. Everyone was nice and caring, charming and supportive. They still are.

But, I think, I pissed them off.

And im going through the same pain I was going through before. The pain of my friends ignoring what I say, making a joke about it, or just completely changing the subject whenever they please, without recognizing the issue.

I said the fact, a friend replied with a simple ok. So I deleted my comment, and suddenly, everyone popped in and just had a converstaion about sea bunnies. And even the person who responded "okay" acted surprised about the fun fact.

Thats when I realized, people dont care.

Where is the love?

None. Destroyed and crumbled.

Family and friends. The people who give you love the most.

Well.

There is also strangers. Strangers can be nice and supportive. Help you. All that. And I was still feeling love because of the job I worked. The job I worked was... alright. Besides the people who aren't considerable.

Called names as well, did you know? My family never stops body shaming me, my friends call me stupid, or retarded. I have grown immune to such words but, these words slowly claw at my brain and finally break through. And people at work, these strangers call me bitch or asshole. Greedy, or liar.

I should be used to it but.

Im not.

Will I ever?

When I say "I love you" it feels so automatic. Empty. Meaningless. And when someone says "I love you" I feel hated. They dont actually love you. Its because they have to say it too. We know this. Some people deny it but think about it. When is the last time you said I love you and you meant it?

Well, dear reader, if you are reading this, clearly not recent.

Bet.

But thats far away from my point.

Love is dead.

The bird was crumbled into nothing. And I cant feel it nor see it.

No one cares.

Actually, I thought they cared.

They don't.

When I left that discord, they continued their day. Ignoring that I left. They didn't care.

Well.

Everything is going to plan.