GIVEon (Raw)

gIVEon (gone)

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GuEsS wE'rE bOtH fUcKeD.

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I found myself disguising the truth a lot, I wasn't a liar but I cared more about her feelings than my own. Bitch hardly slipped my lips but it did at times, she'd laugh. Wasn't shit funny. I wish she knew, and I was curious to know did her mind play these games? I thought about who we were, as individuals and together, I thought about it all. I couldn't make it seem like it was anything other than it was. We were our own people, confused and infatuated, in what? There were no words, just the same overdue conversations. Was I to blame? Nah. Was she? I don't point fingers.

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I could look in her eyes and see all her lies, I minded them all. But who was I? She knew she was wrong, how she moved, how the words escaped her lips with ease. She continued anyways. Yet, I knew she cared. I told myself that frequently.

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"Do you mind the lies?"- Ari

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I should leave it alone but as wrong as it was, I knew it wouldn't go on for long. With that, I constantly found myself using the situation to my advantage. Ari wasn't my muse, but missing her on my side of the bed, that feeling, played a huge part in the creation in what I composed.

I remember her slipping up and saying "I love you" as she kissed my forehead past dawn around friends before realizing the words that escaped her lips. She walked out my life after that. I built up my hopes up, based off of expectations that weren't even valid or vivid to her. It was all talk and half ass notations of "standing on that shit". Her little ass couldn't even reach the dryer sheets on my stackable washer and drier combo, she wasn't standing on shit. Ever.

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She loved flipping the roles, appearing more involved with me than I was with her. We created a world, plans were created, trust was established and then broken, but I tried. I tried to be there, even with the both of us overthinking. The month was still cold, and I knew I stayed in the back of her mind, she was running, but she didn't want to let go of my hand. When she left, she was always looking for a replacement. On my end, I wasn't looking for those situations. Ones in which I could drown in. I couldn't swim.

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Was it enough? To even try? Did it even mean anything? Honestly. She expected "I hate you" and I couldn't give that to her. We didn't speak the same language but we tried. I could vanish, she could vanish and we'd still end up back in the space she shared with that half ass of a man.

Sometimes, I didn't know if it was worth even nodding my head. I spoke up more, in the moment. Something I wasn't used to. I constantly felt like I had already established a foundation of how I felt. She knew, I hoped. However, replaying the shit in my head was deadly and the aftermath wasn't worth it. She would communicate with me but it felt more as if I was being tested. Wouldn't say she loved me, but I think I understood part of it. Was it too bold to say she meant the world to me? Sure. We both had shit to work on. But I no longer knew what I was working on other than moving on. My past toyed at me but I didn't want to hold its hand. I wanted to hold hers and run. Wherever the fuck she was going, I wanted to go right with. Dangerous and unrealistic as fuck. It didn't have to be love and she didn't have to say that shit to me. Nor did she have to wonder if I ever expect it, honestly. I don't. But if she slipped up and said it, I'd slip up and say it back. At least the next time.

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Why does this shit all feel so familiar?

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Could we just take the time...

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It's no rush, but how long will you be out tonight?

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Was I the one? The one she'd fuck up, fuck over. It was just us, her and I. I needed to taste her, and I knew she needed to taste me just as much. Our eyes glanced over at her phone, several missed calls and unanswered texts. I darted my attention elsewhere as she took note and continued on, as if nothing had intervened. I'm not upset.

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I've told her it was hers, that feeling was never reciprocated. Those words would never escape her lips although several did.

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I must be losing my mind. I thought she could belong to me, vice versa. I reminded myself she didn't belong to anyone, but the mistakes we were making were like living a fantasy. One that made no sense, what was the purpose? I hadn't figured it out. I wanted her. I wanted to show her off and not look so naive and accepting. Aspects from both of us was beneficial. Easily, a connection. Wasn't sure what I knew but I knew who I knew, as did she.

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I knew she'd slut me out.

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I mixed my shit, I heard the sad drank it straight.

Heard the broken did crack.

I wasn't doing crack.

Ever.

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I'd still attempt to find her, who she truly was. Who she was meant to be. It was a challenge. Wasn't sure if it was the one I needed. She'd place her had on my lower back and I swear, that's the only time my heart skipped a beat.

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I needed a breather, but I think I'd suffocate without her, briefly. That was mutual.

I kept playing at the idea, it didn't have to be forever. But I wanted it now. I knew I'd get restless soon, I'd hate to run from it before I even caught up. I hope my new girl makes me laugh half as much. If I ever get that far. How long could I wait? Thought I waited long enough. I guess not.

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Ain't no need to talk it out, said all I had to say. Even when I said nothing. Shit was clear. Only girl I ever wanted tried to hoe me.

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When it came time, releasing, crafting and being present, transparent, on it. No slacking and lack of motivation. I had been there. I needed redemption. Ari would attempt to find something close but I don't think she ever could. Can only alter so many good things before your chances are paper thin, non existent. A dying cigarette; can't afford another pack, a hard sigh.

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I resent the day where I want no lover. The money stacks up, my career takes off, the bitch wanted me, tried to hold me down but made it evident she wouldn't hold me down. The difference is, I no longer have time. Not trying to be funny, but it's all been done before. Then, she could have me, now, how? Just a thought, could be bluffing but I doubt it. I can only tell myself so many lies.

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She was a pimp, a hoe could never.

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She made me want to smoke fat ass blunts. Shit.

I have asthma.

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Even with the years that have past with progression, I saw signs. I see signs. Still no good for me. But, she knew I should've hated her. I didn't. I think that bothered her the most. It bothers them all.

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