Sunrise [Yungi FF]

20. Ready or Not

He didn't want Jongho to know that a part of him still loved Mingi very much and he couldn't lose him just like that.

A silence lapsed over the two of them. Jongho wanted to protest, but he knew from the determination shining in Yunho's hard eyes that there would be no point. "At least tell me when and where you'll go."

Uncertainty made Yunho's heart drop as he was pulled back into reality. The answer was, he didn't know. He hadn't made a solid plan yet, and all his confidence shattered - like the broken mirror Mingi gave him he so stubbornly kept - when he realized he wasn't actually ready to face the truth yet.

"I don't know," Yunho replied honestly, and Jongho was sensible enough to drop the topic on that note.

Despite the dismal conversation on the bus, they had a light-hearted meal together like they always would before that one phone call. Before Mingi.

"Take care. Don't come to work until you're completely recovered." Jongho handed his credit card to the waiter before Yunho could stop him. "And go home straight afterward, okay? I would walk you there, but my parents are visiting for Christmas. Can you believe it? A week before Christmas Day." He took the card back with a receipt and stood up.

Yunho chuckled. His parents never bothered with Christmas since they would come over for New Year anyway and he would always spend time with Jongho's family instead, but now that Mingi was in the picture, he wondered what this year was going to look like.

"...almost set the kitchen on fire." Yunho didn't realize he had zoned out until he caught the last part of the sentence that was pulled entirely out of context. "I guess we'll part ways here."

They were standing in front of a subway station, city-dwellers navigating around them easily like a river around a rock. "Congratulations on your discharge," said Jongho, stretching his arms out for a hug.

"Do people say that?" A teasing smile formed on Yunho's lips as he stepped into the warm embrace. He pretended not to notice the sour edge on Jongho's voice but prayed silently that Yeosang would wake up in time for the season.

Jongho warned Yunho to return home immediately one more time before he disappeared into the station. Despite the promise that he would, Yunho found himself walking towards Mingi's place instead.

He first noticed it when he saw the extravagant amount of decorations on shop windows and streetlights. Christmas trees of all sizes stood by the doors that were covered with glittering snowflakes, shiny ornaments, and gilded letters that made up all sorts of messages. The peeled-off paint on lampposts was decorated with colorful tinsels and bright LED lights that outshone the actual lamp perched on top.

Even the apartment building Mingi lived in did its part, with inflated statues of snowman and reindeer, pots of scarlet poinsettias, and a huge wreath to prettify their entrance.

It looked warm and welcoming compared to the quiet neighborhood Yunho lived in, and yet he stood outside the door, boots crunching on the snow and fingers curling in his pockets as he shivered in the cold.

People strolled past him, most already holding bags of gifts and snacks for the special occasion. Some were couples spending their time together before they had to join their families, holding warm drinks in their gloved hands and sending puffs of steam into the air as they chatted away with smiles as bright as the Christmas lights everywhere.

Yunho could picture himself with Mingi, having fun like everyone else was. He would be with the Mingi who held his hand, who always beamed at him, who cheered him on when they went hiking, who gave him the most meaningful gift he ever received. The only difference would be the snow surrounding them.

And then it actually began snowing, tiny crystals landing on the strip of exposed skin on Yunho's neck and sending chills through his body. The whiteness flurried in the air, washing away the fantasy in his head.

He looked up at the building. If he entered now, if he found Mingi and asked his flatmate to explain everything, could they still walk on the streets like the couples he saw?

He hesitated until night came by and the decorative lights flickered to life one after the other, illuminating the city once again. Then he turned around and set out towards his home before the ice-coldness of his body could reach his heart.

After that, Yunho kept returning to the building whenever he had time, but not once did he went in. He would always imagine a romantic Christmas with the person he loved, and every time he would give up before he stepped inside, before that hope could be crushed under the weight of the truth.