ALEX | a. hotchner (sequel to BLAKE)

19

"Wait."

I froze. I took a breath before glancing at him, I knew he could see the hope in my eyes, I held on to it as if my life depended on it, because it probably did. If he didn't want me.. I didn't know if I could walk away again.

I heard him sigh in defeat, "what did you want to talk about?"

I blinked once, then twice.

"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for yelling at you today," I licked my lips. "It wasn't my place, and it won't happen again," I said quietly before leaving his office.

***

I decided to go to the gym. I hadn't been out running in a while, so boxing would just have to do. In reality, I didn't really know how to box. It was a very energy consuming activity, and I became very sweaty very fast. But I kept going. The tension from the day, the week, the whole year, slipping from my shoulders as my hands made contact with the leather.

"Well, look who it is!" The voice came from behind me, and I knew it was Derek, and I also knew he probably had that damn smirk on his face.

I ignored him. I thought about the first time I met Aaron, the first case, the first fight, the first time meeting Jack, the first kiss, the first time. It's been there a while now, the anger, transforming years of pain into moments of immense suffering.

"Are you alright?"

I knew he was talking to me, but his voice was miles away and my ears were burning up. My fingernails were digging into my palms as I punched harder and harder.

"Alex, stop," Derek said, "you'll hurt yourself."

Good, I thought.

"Hey, hey!" He grabbed my arms to stop my punches, "what is going on?"

"Nothing's going on, Derek," I rolled my eyes and tried to wiggle my way out of his grip, "everything is perfectly fine and I'm living my best life."

"Why are you so angry all the time?" He stared me down, eyebrows furrowed.

"Because everything is so fucked up!" I exclaimed and pulled my arms out of his grasp. "Everyone walks around like everything's okay, but everything's not okay," I breathed, "in fact, everything is so far from okay and I'm going fucking insane!"

"Talk to me, Alex," he frowned, taking a hold of my shoulders instead.

I let my head fall down in defeat, a sigh escaped my lips as I closed my eyes.

"It's like," I took a deep breath and rubbed my eyes furiously, "you think everything is one way, and then it turns out that it's actually a whole other way." I bit my bottom lip and tilted my head up to look at the ceiling, trying to hold back the tears, "and now I just don't know what to do, what do I do, Derek?" My cheeks became cold and I wiped them with my palms, "God, what do I do now?"

"What do you mean?" He held me at arms length and I knew that he wanted to hug me, but I could also see the hesitation in his eyes, "you know I'm here for you."

"I just told you what I mean," I whispered.

His grip on me tightened and I looked up at him. "I need you to elaborate," he said.

I shrugged and licked my lips, "I'm taking the job at ViCAP."

"Wait a minute," Derek said and put a finger up between us, "you're leaving?" He raised his eyebrows.

I sucked in a sharp breath, feeling guilty, "yes."

"Hold on," he let out a breath that sounded like a laugh, but it was just annoyance in disguise. "You made me promise to stay, and now you're leaving?"

"I'm sorry, Derek."

He scoffed.

"How long have you been thinking about this?"

"Honestly?" I sighed, "since the first time I saw him with Beth, at the bar." And it was true, I just didn't know it until Strauss forced me to seriously consider leaving.

"You know, we were all surprised when he introduced us to Beth," he said.

"Derek, don't," I whispered.

"You turned his world upside down, Alex," he stated. "You were perfect for each other, everyone could see it."

"It doesn't matter," I snapped, "because he doesn't want me, anyway."

"So your solution is to run away," he looked at me in disbelief.

"I have to go, there's no other way," I tried to defend myself.

"Let me just ask you something," Derek said. "If I hadn't been here tonight, would you ever have told me?" His eyes were accusing and I wanted to be angry at him for even asking that question.

I frowned, "of course!"

"No," he scoffed, "you see, I don't think you would have." He pointed an accusing finger at me before continuing, "I think you would've just disappeared, and left it up to Hotch to break it to the rest of us."

And I knew he was right.

"I don't think you understand," I glared at him, "I don't have a choice."

"I am so goddamn tired of this 'no choice' bullshit, Alex!" Derek snapped. "When we heard you were coming back from London, we were so damn excited to have you back. And it was great, for a few weeks, but now.." he paused. "I don't know who you are anymore, you've become so damn insecure that you won't even fight for what you want! You have lost yourself, Alex, this is not who you are."

"Then who am I, Derek?" I growled, "who am I? Because I obviously have no fucking clue anymore."

"You're strong, Alex," he tried to make eye contact but I was too embarrassed to look him in the eyes. "You're fire, you don't back away from anything, and most of all, you do not let a boy run your life."

"But he's not just a boy, Derek!" I said desperately. "He's everything, he's the whole reason why I'm here today," I sighed, "he's all of it."

"If you think that Hotch is the only reason why you've come as far as you have," he shook his head, "then you have drifted further away than I thought."