Wrong (A Shalnark x Reader)

[Chapter 7-Tension]

After a while of skating, we decide that it's probably late enough home. We find my dad at a snack stand tell him that we are ready to get going. "Oh, I think I'm gonna stay out for a little bit.  You kids have fun at home, though! Don't stay up too late."  He says with a grin.  I nod my head and smile right back at him.  "Alright, stay safe!"  I shout, grabbing Shal's arm and making my way down the street to our building.  

The rink is a fair bit away from our building, maybe 20 or 25 minutes.  Nonetheless, it's far enough to have you chattering your teeth before you're even halfway there.  "Do you want my jacket?" Shalnark asks, noticing my state.  I shake my head and smile.  "No, but thanks for the offer."  He pouts and stares back ahead. 

"So, uh, whatcha wanna do when we get home?"  He asks after a few more minutes.  I smile at the fact that he called my apartment his home.  "Uhhh, I don't know.  Do you think there are any series' that we haven't watched yet?"  I exaggerate lightheartedly with a chuckle.  He shrugs and smiles goofily.  "It's not like we can't rewatch some of them."  "That's actually not a bad idea,"  I say, thinking about which show we liked the most and which we would actually wanna completely rewatch.  

As the walk lingers on in silence (for what seems like forever), I notice that we both slowly seem to inch closer to each other.  It's probably nothing.  Just instinct, we try to get warmer when we're cold.  Typical human behavior, yeah?  

In my peripheral vision, I see his eyes drift down to the small space between us.  He slowly moves his hand towards mine and tugs on one of my fingers.  I quickly glance down at them and then back up.  We swiftly intertwine our hands, and it's as if our fingers were made to fit in between each other, it feels so natural.  At that moment, I smile wider than I think I ever have.

No no no, don't worry, silly!  This is nothing more than two platonic friends trying to stay warm in the freezing cold weather of winter.  Don't be dumb.  It's nothing.  

Finally, we reach the tall apartment building.  All at once, it's like reality hitting me.  I let go of his hand and, somehow, it's as if his hand is...sad?  It's so strange, but it happens nonetheless.  We silently take the elevator up to our floor and walk into our unit, and I feel extremely stiff and awkward the whole time.  Shal feels distant.  We take off our shoes, hang up our coats, and make our way to my room.  

Shal picks out some of his clothes and is about to walk to the bathroom when I stop him.  "Oh, no, that's alright!  I actually have to pee, I'll take the bathroom."  I chuckle.  "Oh, alright."  He says.  His smile seems sad.  I feel awful but make my way past his depressing presence into the bathroom.  I put on my pajamas, silky red shorts, and a matching kami.   I then put down the while, shiny toilet seat and sit down on it, putting my head in my hands.  "God, what the fuck am I doing?!"  I mutter.  I stand up and stare into the mirror, leaning over the counter and standing on my tiptoes to reach myself.  I look straight into my eyes.  

"What do you want?"  I ask myself, cautious to be quiet so that Shalnark doesn't hear me.  

I sigh, actually use the bathroom, and then head back to my room, my heart racing at the thought of what to do or say.  I open the door and almost have a heart attack.  I gasp and drop the dirty outfit I had been holding as I see Shal towering over me.  "O-oh, I'm so so sorry, [Y/N].  I was just going to go and see if you were okay."  He chuckles, bending down and picking up my clothes.  He tosses both of our previous outfits into the dirty laundry bin in the corner.  I notice that he's changed into a loose t-shirt and baggy red and black flannel pants.  "It's fine,"  I say quickly, smiling. 

'God, you're such an idiot.'  I think to myself.

He walks back over to me and just stands right in front of me, looking directly at me.  He's so close, I can feel his warm breath.  He doesn't have his usual grin anymore, he looks so serious.  He looks me up and down and softly says, "I like your outfit."  You could almost cut the tension with scissors.

"You too,"  I say quietly.  It feels like we're slowly getting closer, or the world is closing in around us, or something.  It doesn't feel real.

Suddenly, it seems like he's snapped out of this state and looks like his normal self again.  "I-I put your favorite show on."  He stutters, pointing back at the TV.  I flutter my eyes and it's as if I've also gotten rid of this strange feeling.  "Oh, thanks, aha..."  

We casually hop onto the bed and turn on the show, munching on a bag of candy in between us.  

So I suppose we're just going to pretend that none of this ever happened?  He seems as if all is well again, but something in my heart is still aching, yearning for something that I'm not even sure if I really want.  My heart knows what it is, and it knows just how much I need it, specifically with Shalnark.  But my brain just doesn't think it's right.  What are you supposed to do in these moments?  Which are you supposed to trust?  They say follow your heart, but my brain seems like the better option.  It'd spare me from all of the requirements and strings attached to this thing, this thing that people say is so amazing.  I'm scared of it.  

When I was younger, I would've sworn my parents were soulmates.  Their love was like nothing you could ever imagine.  They were inseparable.  

But a few years ago proved what everyone thought wrong.  My mom got up and left, left behind me, my dad, and everyone else she knew.  She didn't leave a note, she didn't say goodbye.  Nothing.  I remember my dad watching her drive away that morning.  He had tears streaming down his face and he was shouting.  

I hate her for it.  

I'm not scared of something like that happening to me.  I'm scared of becoming that.

"Helloooo?  Earth to [Y/N]?"  Shal says.  "Yikes, you really do have a tendency to daydream- hey, w-what's wrong?"  

I look down.  Oh shit, shit shit shit shit shit.  Was I thinking about her again.  God, I'm crying?!  Oh lord, this is so embarrassing!  How could I let my emotions get the best of me? This hasn't happened in years.  

I sniffle and wipe my eyes with my arms.  "God- I'm so sorry, it's really nothing.  I was just thinking about my mom again.  Ugh, I don't know why.  I'm sorry."  The more I wipe them, the more they seem to come.  

Shal takes my face in his hands and looks at me sadly.  "[Y/N], do you wanna talk about it?  Why on Earth are you thinking about her, was it something in the show? I'm sorry."  

You think for a moment.  "No, don't apologize, it's not your fault.  I...honestly don't really know.  I was just- God, I don't know."  I say, letting more tears fall.  At this point, I'm full-on sobbing.  Shalnark pauses the show, pulls me into his chest, and wraps his arms around me, and I turn to face him to get more comfortable.  I cry and cry until I don't have to cry anymore.  I mutter something to him but he doesn't hear.  "Hm?"  He says, pulling me back and listening intently. 

"I'm sorry.  I was just thinking, I guess, that I'm scared.  You're the only person who's ever really cared about me this way, and I don't wanna be like my mom.  I don't wanna end up disappointing you.  Or anyone."  I sigh.  I would still be crying if I had anything left in me.  

"[Y/N], you're not a disappointment.  You're one of the most caring, loving people I think I've ever met.  Actually, nobody has cared about me this way, either."  He looks down for a moment, seeming to be reflecting on himself.  "If anything, I should be the one worried about disappointing you."  He sighs, looking more serious than I've ever seen him.

"Shal-"

He takes a hold of my face once more, and we look directly at each other.  He looks so determined, insistent on what he was about to do.  He gently pulls my face towards his and put his lips on mine.  They seemed to dance together.  At first, I was surprised, but I gently melted into it.  

This.  This is what I was so scared of.  But now that it's happening...it's not that bad.  I think I could actually get used to this.  

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Surpriseeeee shawtyy!!  Yep, seems as if I'm back.  I wrote this entire thing at three in the morning while rewatching death note, panicking abt the ending bc it makes me question my entire self identity <3 anywayss, have a good night everyone, ilysm.  thank your for all of the support you've been giving me