The Mermaids Singing, Each To Each

I'd left the cabin the way my uncle had it: his baseball cap hanging on the peg beside the doorway, his pin-up photos shellacked onto the paneling. Sometimes I thought about painting over the photos. But they reminded me of my uncle, reminded me not to forgive him. You would have thought they would have been enough, but maybe they just egged him on. Some people claim that's how it goes with porn, more and more until a man can't control himself.

I can't say my experience has confirmed this.

Uncle Fortunato left me the Mary Magdalena from guilt, guilt about what he'd done, guilt that his niece had decided to go sexless, to put away all of that rather than live with being female. I was the first in the village to opt for the Choice, but not the first in the world by a long shot. It was fashionable by then, and a lot of celebrities were having it done to their children for "therapeutic reasons." My grandmother, Mama Fig, said it was unnatural and against the Church's law, and every priest in the islands came and talked to me. But they didn't change my mind. There was a program funding it for survivors of sexual assault. That's how I got it paid for, even though I wouldn't tell them who did it.

I couldn't have him punished. If they'd put him away, my grandmother would have lost her only means of support. But I could take myself out of his grasp by making myself unfuckable. Neuter. Neuter until I wanted to claim a gender.  They didn't tell me, though, that getting in was free, but getting out would cost. Cost a lot.

When I first heard he'd left the boat to me, I didn't want her. I let her sit for two weeks gathering barnacles at dock before I went down.

I wouldn't have ever gone, but the winter was driving me crazy. No work to be found, nothing to do but sit home with my grandmother and listen to her worry about her old friend's children and her favorite soap opera's plotlines.

When I did go to the Mary Magdalena, she didn't speak until I came aboard. First I stood and looked at her. She's not much, all told: boxy, thirty years out of date, a dumbboat once, tweaked into this century.

I used to imagine pouring acid on her deck, seeing it eat away with a hiss and a sizzle.

As I made my way up the gangplank, I could feel that easy sway beneath my feet. There's nothing like being on a boat, and I closed my eyes just to feel the vertigo underfoot like a familiar friend's hand on my elbow.

I used to imagine her torn apart by magnets, the bolts flying outward like being dismantled in a cartoon.

"Laura," a speaker said, as though I hadn't been gone for six years, as though she'd seen me every day in between. "Laura, where is your uncle?"

I used to imagine her disintegrated, torn apart into silent atoms.

"It's not Laura anymore," I said. "It's Lolo. I'm gender neutral."

"I don't understand," she said.

"You've got a Net connection," I said. "Search around on "gender neutral" and "biomod operation."

I wasn't sure if the pause that came after that was for dramatic effect or whether she really was having trouble understanding the search parameters. Then she said, "Ah, I see. When did you do that?"

"Six years ago."

"Where is your uncle?"

"Dead," I said flatly. I hoped that machine intelligences could hurt and so I twisted the knife as far as I could. "Stabbed in a bar fight."

Her voice always had the same flat affect, but I imagined/hoped I could hear sorrow and panic underneath. "Who owns me now?"

"I do. Just as long as it takes me to sell you."