Beloved

one

Mason walked down the stairs into the kitchen just before 11am. He had gotten home late last night, not crawling into bed until after 3:30.

"Morning." I said blandly, looking up from my phone at him. It was the latest he had gotten out of bed in years, if ever.

"Did Austin leave?" He asked, ignoring my greeting and pressing start on the coffee maker.

"Yes. As he does everyday at 10am. Your plate is in the fridge." He nodded, still not looking at me and focusing on his coffee and the shelves within the fridge. It was stocked full of food that neither of us would ever cook, that's what Austin was for. As soon as the business was profiting, we hired Austin and stopped living off Kraft Dinner and take out. At the time it was a splurge, and he would simply meal prep for us each week. Now, Austin was practically family. He came each morning and cooked hot breakfast, then either came back for dinner or left a meal with oven instructions if he thought I could handle it.

"They're dropping off the Christmas tree around 2 today. You'll be here to tell them where you want it?" My heart sank a little. When we first moved in together, Mason and I would go to the Christmas tree farm together, cut down the tree, barely manage to attach it to the roof of his Honda and decorate the whole house together. It took us a whole Saturday, but it was my favorite part of Christmas.

Now, Mason was too busy working and doing god knows what to celebrate Christmas. At least he had been last year... I had brought up this tradition again this year, only for him to say he'll see where he can "work it in."

Guess he couldn't.

"Oh. I thought we were going to go pick one together." He took a bite of his toast and looked at me for the first time since he entered the kitchen.

"This house is way too big for any tree we're able to cut down, Jess. Or decorate for that matter." I twisted my wedding ring and stared at it hesitantly.

"I guess you're right. It was just a nice tradition we haven't done in awhile." I didn't look up at him, not wanting to see the dismissal I knew was coming.

"I'm busy, Jess. I'm trying to get all this shit done so that I can spend Christmas with you and your parents." I head his fork scrape the plate and looked up at him.

"And Christmas Eve with everyone." I stated blankly. He didn't respond, continuing to eat silently.

Christmas was in 5 days. And Mason had been "getting everything done before Christmas" for the past month. Before that it was Thanksgiving, and then the start of the new quarter. For that, I refused to decorate. I hadn't brought up how bland and boring our house was because I was secretly hoping he would bring it up first, hoping he would notice. Hoping he would ask. Christmas had always been our favorite. Friends, family, snow. It was the perfect setting for our loving and perfect relationship.

Things between us had been so perfect for so long, since high school. We were the ones everyone wanted to be. Prom King and Queen, the star quarterback and the cheerleader. We created the perfect life for ourselves together. We went to the same college, moved in together senior year, got engaged after graduation, married the next spring. We worked our way up the career ladders for a few years before Mason decided he wanted to start his own company. The same flooring industry he had been working in, but on his own.

I supported him, helped him tirelessly through every night to meet deadlines, rehearse pitches, worked night shifts to put pennies back in our negative bank accounts, and eventually we finally made it. We were in love. We were successful. We traveled everywhere we could dream, staying in fancy hotels and taking no-stop flights to weekend dinner parties. Then we lost the baby.

Mason never blamed me, we had held each other tight for hours, crying together for days. Then he stopped.

We had decided he didn't need me at the office anymore, the business was thriving, he had employees, and I would stay at home with the baby. Flooring wasn't exactly my area of expertise anyways, so I was happy to finally relax.

After we lost her we never spoke of me returning. It was unspoken that working again would only remind us of what could have been. Nobody seemed to ever think that staying home without a baby would be worse. But we never discussed it.

"I gotta shower before work. I'll probably be home late tonight so don't wait up for dinner.  Save me a plate?" He kissed my forehead, the only place his lips had touched in a year, and went back upstairs. I didn't even flinch anymore.

I looked at my schedule for the day and wrote in the Christmas delivery around 2 o'clock. Then I texted Austin to come in whenever to prep dinner, since Mason wouldn't be home anyways.

I probably didn't need to tell him that, it was a common occurrence at this point, but I wanted to pretend like it wasn't.

I managed whatever was left for the day on my phone for awhile, fed the dog, Angie, and put my winter coat and boots on to take her for a walk. 

Mason walked into the garage just as I opened the garage door.

"Have a good day." He said almost cheerily.

"See you later." I said in response. He opened the car door without saying anything else and I exited the garage with Angie. I watched him pull out of the driveway in his shiny black SUV. Angie picked up the pace, following his car for a second before she gave up.

Our feet hit the road and we headed on our daily walk, leaving the morning and the final glimpse of Mason for the day behind us.