Beloved

four

I was sad to wake up on Tuesday morning. The rest of the day had been a blur. A lot of crying to Cara.... until I inevitably fell asleep. She was no longer next to me, and I knew I had to face him on my own as I had told her. I was strong, and she knew it. Everyone knew it. I prayed he would be at work as I walked down the stairs, pulling my hoodie down and crossing my arms in fear.

Fuck. There he was, sitting at the island. He was drinking coffee and reading something on the iPad. The kitchen smelled good, like my favorite banana pancakes.

"You're up." He said, he smiled softly, knowing I wouldn't return it.

"I am." I bit my lip nervously and got a mug out of the cabinet. Mason hadn't been home on a Tuesday morning in a lot of Tuesdays.

"I made you pancakes." He tried again.

"Where's Austin? It's just 10." I asked as I glanced at the stove clock and poured a cup of coffee.

"There's a snowstorm. Called him off. But I took the rest of the week off from work, Jess." I reluctantly sat down on the stool farthest from him and he clicked off the iPad.

"Why?" He hadn't even taken more than two days off when we lost her. He said he couldn't miss anymore than that. Don't think he had taken a day off since then.

"I want to fix this. Fix us. I know I really fucked up." I took a sip of my coffee. It was too hot and I flinched. "I've been going to therapy. He said I've been pushing you away because I'm scared of the future not being the way we planned it."

"Oh because sleeping with another woman is exactly how we planned it?" I asked, still refusing to look at him. Angie brushed my feet with her fur and I reached down to pet her and pick her up.

"Jess. I'm trying. I know this is my fault. I'm owning up to it. I know this isn't going to be easy. Do you want me to try to fix this? Or do you want to leave me?" I shut my eyes against Angie's head and she wriggled in my arms.

"I don't know what I want. I haven't had time to process it. You're my husband, Mason. As much as I hate you right now, I love you more than anything. I want this to be fixed, but it's not going to be instant, and right now I just want to be left alone. Let it sink in." He nodded slowly.

"Okay, Jessie." He picked up his cup of coffee and iPad and headed towards his office. I let out a sigh I didn't know I was holding. It was still the holiday season, and I knew we wouldn't be missing the annual New Years party. I had to at least be able to accept it by then. I knew I had to let my friends know, I couldn't keep this a secret from them, but it was still the day after Christmas. Tomorrow.

Today was my (second) day to cry. To watch stupid tv and pretend that my life was perfect. To accept the pain, to understand. I hoped it would sink in. My phone was untouched, but I could hear it vibrating with calls from I assumed Cara.

I ate my pancakes in peace, holding Angie. They were good, Mason hadn't made me breakfast in months. It used to be our thing, on the weekends when Austin didn't come in. It was one of our things. One of our things that we hadn't done in almost a year. Even laughing together had become one of those things. Mason felt like a roommate at this point, a roommate who I was secretly in love with. Everything in me loved Mason, and I always had. I always would.

I put my plate in the dishwasher and took the mug and the dog to the living room. I put on the tv and cuddled warm under the blanket. Mason made a few small appearances, coming in and out of his office to get water, coffee, lunch, whatever. His final trip out of his office he finally spoke.

"It's snowy outside." He looked out the glass door into our backyard. I paused my show sensing he wasn't going to leave anytime soon.

"Yeah." I just looked at him, expecting more.

"Do you want to go outside?" I crinkled my eyebrows and Angie perked up at the word.

"Huh? Outside?"

"With me. Do you want to go out in the snow with me? And Ang? Like we used to..." His voice faded a little as he realized it was a stupid question. He looked at me, his eyes looked sad. I just stared. "We don't have to- I just thought-"

"Sure." I stated evenly, holding back any emotion and getting off the couch to put my coat on. He seemed to smile as he followed to the mud room.

We went outside in silence, but it almost wasn't awkward. It felt special again, to be out here with him. I knew there would be less laughter, less stupid jokes and snowballs to the forehead. We slowly trudged through the lawn, Angie leading us. I didn't want to be the first one to talk, even though I knew that's what he was hoping for.

"Thank you, Jess." I gave him a tight lipped smile and there was a pause as he worked up the courage to continue. "Would you want to come to therapy with me on Thursday? I understand if not I just... you know I'm bad with feelings. He helps me with my words." I could tell he was trying, and that was why I simply couldn't let him go so easy. I knew he truly cared about fixing this. But he hurt me.

"Okay." Before he could reply with something quiet, I called Angie's name and bent down to play with her. I could feel his eyes watching me, but I ignored them and rolled around with Angie for awhile, snow seeping through my sweatpants and Mason kneeling down to take the dog toy from Angie and throw it across the yard. We both watched as she ran to fetch it. I could like things were normal for a minute, more normal than they had been in almost a year, and it was nice.