Beloved

eleven

I laid low for awhile. Ashley told everyone we broke up. I stayed home on the weekends, I went to the gym more, hung out with my mom more. I had to try. 

Cara told me I had never healed. I had never given myself a chance to get over him. It was supposed to take awhile, but I knew that my feelings would never fade. I had dated another man for a year for gods sake.

So I decided to grow up. Here I was, at Ashley's house getting ready to go out for the first time in three months. Ready to face the world with open eyes.

Not that it was anything exciting, we were just going to John and Mark's house to celebrate John's 42nd birthday. Mason and Kendall would be there, and we would get to stare at the new neighbors. The old us. 

Ashley looked beautiful, as always. She had given me the motivation to finally do this. Ashley had no worry with men. She always said she was happy alone, and if someone came along to sweep her off her feet she would happily accept, but until then she wasn't searching. 

The past months I had been trying to accept that lifestyle, and it had worked for the most part. I was feeling carefree, happy again. Unproblematic.

"We should probably get going, or we'll be too drunk to walk there." She smiled and I finished my glass of wine in one sip.

"That might be a good thing." She rolled her eyes as she took the glass out of my hand and put it in the stainless steel sink. I stood up from the stool I was sitting on and followed her out the door. We laughed about stupid jokes about our friends as we walked, wondering what Melody's 15 year old boyfriend looks like, etc...

The music was loud, we could hear it down the street. We passed my old house, it looked kind of the same. The mailbox had a new name plate on it reading "The Callagers" in cursive font. Made me want to throw up a little. I faced forward and we walked into the backyard, cheering as we walked in. People were happy to see me, it really had been awhile. Maura gave me a hug that was just a tad too tight for comfort, and I knew she was trying to be sympathetic. I didn't want the sympathy, I just wanted to be happy, like Ashley always was. 

John and Mark greeted me with huge grins.

"Happy birthday!" I cheered, throwing my arms around John's neck and kissing his cheek aggressively. He laughed, rubbing my back with his free hand.

"Save some for me over there!" Mark pulled me away smiling, wrapping me in his own arms. "It's so good to have you back, Jess." He released me from his grip, still smiling wide.

"Yeah, maybe you can text me back once in a while now." John said jokingly and I shrugged.

"I'm a busy lady what can I say." John shook his head at me disapprovingly. 

"No worries, we already replaced you with the new neighbors." Mark said, pointing towards a small group of people including two strangers. I raised an eyebrow, they didn't know it was a touchy subject.

"No!" I gasped for dramatic effect and John grabbed me by the arm dragging me over to the group. I noticed Mason and Kendall standing amongst it. Ugh. Everyone in the group thought we were completely perfect and happy without each other. And maybe they were half right. "Their names are Quinn and Harper Callager. Like out of a 1960s movie or something..." He whispered as we walked. "They're sweet." I plastered on my best smile as he led me into the circle.

"Harper! Meet the old Harper. Jess, meet the new Jess." He joked, introducing me. "I see you've already met the old Quinn, Quinn." John was radiant, as usual and I was thankful. "Hopefully you guys end up better than these too." He sensed the awkwardness of what he was saying, and didn't recover well. I tried to pick up the pieces and lightly slapped his chest. 

"Damn, John. Had a bit too much to drink already?" He blushed and stood a little less comfortably. Mason was still smiling, unfazed. Harper and Quinn were smiling but it looked a little thought out. "I'm Jess. Sorry, I know the pain of being neighbors with this one... Vodka helps." They actually laughed, and so did Mason. Saved. I took a step back and they warmed into conversation with me. Asking about what I did now, where I lived now, and other generic questions. They were a little younger than me, 28, and had one 2 year old son, which hurt. They were living the life I had wanted so badly. The conversation flowed until they excused themselves to mingle with someone else and I was left alone with Mason and Kendall. I forgave them, because they were new.

"Its good to see you, Jessie." I didn't like that he still called me that, it felt inappropriate. "Congrats on the promotion." He spoke calmly, referencing the promotion I had just mentioned to the new us.

"Yeah, that's really awesome." Kendall chimed in sincerely. I gave them a small smile.

"Thanks, guys. I'm excited... How are the floors doing?" I asked Mason, wishing I hadn't forgotten to get a drink.

"I wanted to talk to you about that. It's going great, actually. I've been going out west to open another office with Steve, its been going well so far." That really was great, and I was happy for him. I had noticed my monthly checks were increasing, but still hadn't cashed any of them. "Which brings me to my next point..." Kendall and he made eye contact, she nodded and walked away. 

"Uh oh.. girlfriends leaving. I see a divorce in my future." I joked, but he didn't laugh. He brushed me off.

"I haven't even thought about that. Although I do have the papers on my desk, as you requested." I ignored the dig and kept listening. "Okay Jessie, you might think I'm crazy, and that's fine... feel free to tell me to kick rocks." He seemed happy as he spoke, excited even.

"You're making me nervous." I dug my heel into the grass.

"How would you feel about moving to Seattle? To be the President of Sales or Marketing or whatever the fuck you want to be President of?" I froze. 

"What? I- I don't understand." The world was spinning. I felt like I was going to faint.

"Jessie you helped me build this company. Theres nobody in the world I would rather have leading the new division than you. You were the first person I thought of." and this is where he decided to discuss it with me? At our first interaction in months, in our old backyard, at our friends birthday party? 

I really felt like I was going to pass out now, and reached for his arm as soon as he stuck it out to ground me.

"Are you okay, there?" He was still light hearted. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to punch him in the face more than ever before, and that was really saying something. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to imagine the ground to balance myself and took a deep breath.

"Are you crazy?" He couldn't tell if I was happy or upset yet. "You're trying to ship me off to Seattle? To run the company that I helped you create? Which I slaved over for years, even though I did not care about at all. And imagine all the explaining... And reporting to you? We were a team. I was never hired. I was never an employee- I. I can't believe this." I was mad. "And bringing it up here? At John's birthday party? I've been avoiding you for months and this is what you decided on?" I let it slip in my fury. His eyebrows furrowed.

It wasn't that I was owed any aspect of the company, but I sort of was. He was always right, I had built it with him, I created every aspect, hired every employee. Coached him through every presentation. Filed paperwork for every sale. Went to every meeting. This was horrifying.

"Jessie-" I cut him off.

"You do not know when to stop. Or where for that matter. Please don't bring this up again." I hesitated, "at least not until we are seriously discussing. At a table, and not in our old backyard." I forcefully removed my hand from his arm and stormed away. His fucking audacity.