criminal minds imagines

dear spencer- part two

Summery: Spencer's initial reaction to what happens, and him going through the five stages of grief

Genre: heavy angst

WARINGINGS: suicude, language, cheating, grief

Word Count: 1.4k

Spencer's mind was in a frenzy. He couldn't focus on anything, and all he felt was pure panic and anguish. So, he just sat there, on the bathroom floor, curled in a ball, just hoping for this to all be a dream.

If asked why he cheated on Y/n, he couldn't give a valid answer, his mind drew blanks, which was rare for the doctor. All he could say is that he couldn't help himself. He couldn't help it when a pretty girl was all over him. He couldn't help it, even when he was lying to his girlfriend, and defying all the moral codes he had ever lived by. At the moment he thought that she was so much prettier than Y/n, but looking over at Y/n's dead body, he wondered how he could have ever thought that.

Logistically, Spencer knew he was smart, but he felt like the dumbest person on Earth. How could he have done this to her?

He felt a surplus of emotions hit him like a truck. Guilt, grief, shock, and just pain.

Dr. Spencer Reid was not new to trauma, but this was worse than all the other things he had experienced, combined because it was his fault.

He remembered with Meave, he always said that it was his fault, that he had done something different, she could have survived. But he saw now that it wasn't really his fault. But this time, it unequivocally, was his fault.

But thinking about Maeve, just made him remember all the times Y/n comforted him when he was grieving the loss of Maeve. All the times that she stayed up, and just held him, when he was having a nightmare, or when she was talking him through a panic attack. He remembered how patient and kind she was, and that just piled onto the grief he was already feeling.

He looked over to the floor and saw her letter, crumpled up, with both his own, and her tears on it, and he just felt numb.

Spencer just stayed there, hugging your body, until Derek eventually found him, and forced him to let go.

Denial:

Shortly after Derek finally got Spencer to let go of her body, they both received a text, informing them that they had a case.

Spencer then began to gather his stuff, in order to leave for the case. But as he went to grab his go-bag, Derek stopped him.

"Hey. Where do you think you're going?" He questioned.

"Uhh to go work the case," Spencer replied as if it were quite obvious.

"Listen Spencer. We both know you can't work this case. You're in shock and denial, so I'm going to drop you off at Penelope's, while we're on the case. Kevin will cover for her. Ok?" Derek told Spencer in the same tone he would use with a little kid.

Spencer nodded and slowly began walking towards the door, almost like a mummy.

Anger:

Because Derek had called Penelope before they got to her home, she knew all about what had happened, even the cheating part.

Penelope thought about all the things she could have done to make her feel more loved. She was never mean to her, but she still felt like she never did anything super nice either, to show her that she cared, which she did.

Penelope also felt very conflicted about Spencer. She knew in her head that Spencer cheated on her, and that was one of the reasons she killed herself. But she also loved Spencer. That's why when Spencer arrived at her home, she couldn't look him in the eye.