criminal minds imagines

when the nights over, it hurts (Spencer Reid)

Summary: you have a panic attack, and Spencer isn't there

Word count: 1.2k

Genre: angst, tiny bit of fluff

WARNINGS: a detailed account of a panic attack, talk of death

A/N: this fic has descriptive details of a panic attack, or an anxiety attack, and is just based on my own experiences, it's not the same for everyone. As always, I am here if anyone needs to talk.

Slowly sitting up in your bed, you look over at the other side of the bed, to see it empty. It wasn't unusual for this to happen, and you had come to terms with that fact. His job was important and time-consuming, but he was saving lives, and that was enough. Until today.

From the outside, today wouldn't seem any different than any other day, but sometimes that doesn't matter. Days when you feel your world is imploding on you, but for no reason are always the hardest. You feel so horrible, yet for no justifiable reason. That just adds a layer of guilt to the mass amount of feelings you're feeling.

A stray tear makes its way out of your eye, and that seemed to break the dam wall down. Soon enough you're close to bawling. If asking why you were like this, you couldn't give an answer. Something about the day just made you feel so vulnerable. Vulnerable to all the torments of your very own mind. All the little thoughts that you kept buried so very deep in your mind. The thoughts telling you that Spencer was too good for you, that you didn't deserve him. The thoughts that convince you that none of the people in your life actually care about you. And the thoughts that remind you of all the bad things that have ever happened to you.

You sit there and bask in your sadness, thinking about how bad your life is, and how lonely you are, until you think about how bad other people have it. You think about Spencer, and all the things he had to go through with his mom, being kidnapped, and all the stuff with Cat. You think about all the people on the streets, without a home. And you think about all the people who have had their loved ones die. "Everyone of those people has had it so much worse than you", you think.

It seems to have made everything worse, guilt sinks through your heart, causing it to fall deeper into your chest.

There's a little voice in the back of your head that's telling you to get help, to call Spencer, but how could you? He's on a case, busy, and either way, he's the one that always does so much for you. "You're a burden", you think.

For some reason, you find yourself unlocking your phone, and dialing his number. The sound of the phone ringing filled the room, for a while, then it stopped, and the silence was deafening. He didn't pick up. Panicking, you send him a text:

You: please pick up

You quickly type that, while a tear hits the iphone screen. You try to call him again, and he doesn't pick up again. You realize that it wasn't going to work a few failed calls later. You finally press the off button on your phone and throw it on the bed.

Breaths were slowly beginning to become harder, and panic spread through your whole body as it started shaking. You didn't know it was possible to feel so many emotions, yet feel so numb at the same time.

"I can't do this" you chanted over and over again, rocking back and forth in an attempt to calm down.

When that didn't work you began to hyperventilate. It was so hard to breathe.

"Just breathe. In and out," you said to yourself.

When you try and breathe, but can't it just makes you cry harder, which in turn makes it even harder to breathe. It's like some messed up version of the domino effect.

Overwhelmed couldn't even begin to describe how you were feeling. Every fiber in your being was screaming out in pain. Telling you that something was wrong, telling you that you needed to do something, and reminding you that you are not strong enough.

"It's too much. I can't do this. I can't- I- I-" you muttered out between sobs.

It hurt so much. All of it. You felt like you were falling off the edge of a cliff. You felt like the weight of the world was on you, heavy, too much.

Weak. You were weak. And tired. So very tired, despite the fact that it was still morning. You hugged your knees, and leaned against the headboard, as you slowly came down from high, out of sheer exhaustion.

You succumb to the sleep. It overcomes your body.

+++

There was no doubt in his mind about it. Spencer loved you. Spencer cared about you, and never wanted anything bad to happen to you.

The case the team was on was a very rough one, so Spencer needed to put his full attention, on the case, so he turned his phone off.

When the case eventually closed, and they got home, he turned his phone on, to see several missed calls, and a text from you, and that led to panic.

He rushed home, in a daze, and once he arrived, he clumsily unlocked the door and rushed to the bedroom once he saw the rest of the apartment empty. He sighed in relief once he saw you lying on the bed in the fetal position.

He walked over to the side of the bed, wondering what was wrong, calmer now that he knew you were not in immediate danger. He gently ran his fingers through your hair, to wake you up. When you did wake up and saw Spencer there, you quickly moved away from him. Spencer's face contorted in confusion with this act, and he said, "Hey! What are you doing? What's wrong?"

"Please. Please just- just-" you struggled to tell him as you began to hyperventilate again.

"Hey, hey! It's ok. It's ok" Spencer says to you, as he pulls you into his arms.

"You left me. You didn't pick up," you say through the tears.

Spencer rubs your arm, as he slowly begins to put the piece together of what happened.

"I know. I'm sorry, my love. I'm not gonna leave you again. Ok?" he says as you cry into his chest.

The two of you just sit in your bed, as you cry, and he comforts you. Spencer slowly learns about everything that happened, through the fragments of information he was getting from your cries.

As you calmed down, you rested your head on his shoulder, and said to him, "I'm sorry".

"You have nothing to be sorry for, pretty girl" he whispered, kissing the top of your head.

"I was so scared bubs," you told Spencer, "I felt like I was gonna die. I was so scared I was gonna die, and you weren't gonna be there".

Hearing your confession just added to his guilt. He let a single tear leave his eye, while he told you, "I know. I'm so sorry. You're ok now though, and I'm never leaving your side again"

Both of you knew that that was a promise that was not going to happen, but neither of you two felt like saying anything about it. You just snuggled into him even more and told him, "I love you".

Which he then responded to, by telling you, "I love you too"