Six Degrees Of Separation [HERS]

Second

I tried counselling. I tried following the advice of the people around me. I tried everything... and nothing helped. Hindi nagawang lunurin ng alak ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. Hindi nawala sa hanging ibinubuga ko ang mga alaala nya. Ang puso pala, kahit anong pilit mong ayusin, kung ayaw nya... ayaw nya. Pakiramdam ko wasak na wasak ang pagkatao ko noon.

I tried to end my life a few times but it fucking made me hang on to it. I survived all my suicide attempts. Needless to say, I was revived from death to suffer my fate. I would have gladly accepted love's kiss of death. Para saan pa kung ipagpapatuloy ko ang buhay? Wala na sya. He made me feel alive and when he went away, my life went with him.

Ilang beses na ba akong nabatukan ng mga kaibigan ko at nasabihan na 'lalaki lang 'yan'? Pero hindi kasi nila naiintindihan. Oo, para sa kanila, isa lamang sya sa milyon-milyong lalaki sa mundo pero para sa akin, nag-iisa lang sya. Walang katulad. I have known him and have learned to love him. They didn't know him like I did.

Hindi madaling natapos ang paghihirap ko. They tried to pick me up off the ground. They tried to set me up with other men. They goaded me to fall in love again. But as much as I want to... if this heart does not want to cooperate, then what am I to do?

I tried travelling and it helped. A bit. I went to Japan, Korea, Vietnam... then I ventured to Europe. Kada bansa na pinuntahan ko, I tried immersing myself in the culture. Pinilit kong aralin ang lenggwahe nila. Pinilit kong pag-aralan ang kultura nila. Ginawa ko lahat to get him off my mind. Desperado na akong makalimot. I even tried dating foreign men. Who knows? With some stroke of luck, makatagpo ako ng isang tao na makakapalit sa kanya.

Sa laki ba naman ng mundo, sigurado akong hindi lang sya ang lalaking makikita ko. Hindi lang sya ang lalaking mamahalin ko. Makaka-move on din ako.

I fed myself with all those lies. One thing is for sure though, there may be billions of men out there... but only one mattered. Him.