Six Degrees Of Separation [HERS]

First

Sabi nila, nakakamatay daw ang pag-ibig. I used to laugh at them for being so ridiculous. I have dated a lot of men and I know exactly that saying that LOVE KILLS is pure bullshit. Para lang yun sa mga taong mahina at hindi nag-iisip. Kung hindi ka naman magpapakatanga, hindi ka naman masasaktan. Well, that was my thinking before... well, before him.

I should have known that the only thing that had kept me from dying is the fact that I have never experienced true love at all. Sure, I have dated and flirted a lot pero iba pa rin 'yung for keeps. Lahat ng past relationships ko ay laro-laro lang. Yeah, they made me happy but when they left me, I wasn't really that hurt.

I didn't really care that much.

Then I met this guy and suddenly, it felt like my whole life had been a long preamble of my life with him. Suddenly, the colours are more vivid. My life became more vibrant. I became more alive. It was then that I realized that for the first time in my life... nagmahal ako ng totoo.

I became the opposite of who I was. I became thoughtful, caring and selfless. I put him first. I invested a lot in our relationship. Ganoon pala talaga kapag nagmamahal ka, natututo kang magpakababa. May mga panahon na kahit pa kasalanan nya, hinahayaan ko na lang. Hindi ako selosa. Hindi ako clingy. Ni hindi ako sweet pero ano'ng nangyari? I became all those because of him. Iba na nga talaga kapag tinamaan ka. You can't control it. Sabi nila, mind over matter lang 'yan pero hindi. If you use your mind too much, you'll lose the heart. It should be about the heart because it's the matter of the heart, right? Loving is. Nagmamahal ka gamit ang puso, hindi ang utak. Pero kapag ginamit mo naman ang puso mo lang, your head will be overruled and you will lose your sense and judgment. This happened to me a lot. It's hard to keep the balance between the two. It seems like whatever you do, you will always be either too much or falling short. Nakaka-frustrate. Nakakatanga.

Dumating sa puntong parang hindi ko na kakayanin kapag nawala sya sa akin. Ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya ay parang buto na itinanim sa matabang lupa, inalagaan ng buong puso at nang lumago, hindi na kakayanin pang bunutin.

Ayaw kong mawawala sya sa paningin ko. Ayaw kong lalapitan sya ng ibang babae. Ayaw kong mag-aaway kami. Ayaw kong malayo sa kanya... Ikamamatay ko.

Pero talaga palang mapagbiro ang mundo. Kung kailan ka natutong magmahal, saka ka naman nito paglalaruan. There came that one day when he got tired of me. He got tired of all of me.  The things he said he liked about me—ang pagiging selosa, bungangera and happy-go-lucky ko na dati ay sinasabi nyang cute—now annoys the hell out of him. He said that I was being too clingy. He said that I started being too much to handle.

He said that I was being too easy. Too easy in a way na naging yes-man ako. Na parang pagdating sa akin, hindi nya na kailangang maghirap pa. Na palagi ko raw syang pinagbibigyan. Palagi ko syang inuuna. Akala ko tama ang ginagawa ko. Masama rin pala ang pagiging selfless.

I tried to mend it. I tried to fix us. But I guess there is no hope in fixing it. He didn't bother fixing it anyway. He let me go... it's just that easy. And the next few months were hell.

And my first thought was that I was going to die... for real. Parang sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sa kanya, wala na akong itinira para sa sarili ko. Nang iwanan nya ako, dinala nya lahat. All that's left to me are the memories.

Akala ko yun na yung pinakamalala. Akala ko katapusan ko na. Akala ko wala na akong iiiyak, wala na akong ikasasakit. Akala ko talaga... nasa worst part na ako.

 Simula pa lang pala.