My Version of Events

Chapter Twenty- Eight

"I've become so numb, I can't feel you there, become so tired..."

I fainted three times in one day, I fell and blacked out. It kept happening.

I wanted to be alone, forever. I didn't feel emotion anymore. I couldn't love, I couldn't be happy, I couldn't anything.

My parents would visit. And we wouldn't speak. They would cry, throw things, I would cry and tell them to leave. They always came back.

Then they found the detainment report. They saw it said I wanted to die.

"Why would you say that?!" Shouted my mum, "do you want to die? To leave forever?"

That visit didn't go well at all.

I'm tired of sharing my emotions when it just hurts everyone around me. I mean, I kept imagining me hanging from the tree across my window. I couldn't tell anyone.

I would sit up in bed all night. Exercising then thinking. Thinking then exercising. The nurses noticed I wasn't sleeping and started giving me a drug called melatonin, to put me to sleep. I got to sleep. I just didn't stay asleep. One morning at four o'clock the male nurse, Sam, knocked on my door and said:

"Want me to sing you a lullaby? It helps my kids get to sleep?"

I just lay back down.

Dead to the world. Hiding in this hole. Forever down a well. Digging down further and further. I wondered if there was an end? Will I ever reach the bottom? Or will I keep finding a way to dig deeper? Cutting the corners. Finding the soft soil. People trying to chuck money in at me, trying to lure me out. I didn't want out. I continued digging. Down the rabbit hole.