My Version of Events

Chapter two

I remember always hearing from my friends that they were going to 'have' to go on a diet. Lose a few pounds here and there. I never realised that I was subconsciously taking it all in. And my friends, to me are perfect. Seriously, if they needed to do something about their appearance shouldn't I too? I mean, I didn't want to stand out as the - and I hate to say these words - ugly, fat one not that In my eyes, I want already. But they never actually went through with these things. One thing the are good at doing though is sports. Seriously, each of them has their own signature sport, running, swimming, I was part of a dance group but I felt I needed to add more exercise to my week after reading an article stating you should only spend two hours a day sitting down. So I started going to the gym every Wednesday. And at first I wasn't too fussed. But I started to work harder and harder. Then I did the unthinkable, I weighed myself. And it had gone up! That's when the insecurity kicked in. I felt like everyone was watching me thinking 'eww, look at her!' So, it was obvious I needed to do more. That's when I got this thought... Just saying that maybe if I watched what I was eating I would be able to ensure I was more careful.

Fat. Carbs. My two most feared words. The guidelines on the boxes were a great help. They tell you exactly what you need to know. Websites to. They tell you that certain foods make certain things happen. But, I was just adding to my knowledge to make safe choices, wasn't i? That's what I told myself. But then, at the gym, I did it again I weighed myself. It had gone down ever so slightly. It's not enough I thought. I'll make a target weight, one that I know I'll be happy at. So I chose one. And that was my goal.

Remember when I said about people judging people and causing them to loose their confidence? Well, there's another type of judging. And that is judging the weight of a person. Judging what they eat. Comparing it to yourself. So when you look down at your lunch that you mum made for you this morning and you notice that you have more than those around you, you get, a thought... Why don't you just not eat some of it? You can't tell your mum because she might wonder what's happening but, you could you know, just take out that bit.... Then that bit.... But do not tell anyone. If you tell someone they'll make you stop. You don't want that. People will start to dislike you, disregard you, so you'll keep this a secret, I mean it's only lunch.

It wasn't like I wasn't hungry. At the start I was, but I was too focused to care, I blocked out the feeling of hunger. Like a switch, moving from on to off. Going from being in the light to plunging into a solemn darkness. But a darkness I liked, I felt in control of it. That's what mattered. Being. In. Control.

So why then did I constantly feel alone, scared, sad? I mean I was taking charge of my life. I was... I...