My Version of Events

Chapter Twenty

I went or the cinema with Hayley, we went to see a movie called "the host". As we entered the cinema it was the first time I had been without my family for quite a long time. I felt as though I had been kept under a looking glass, exposed for everyone to see.
Let's all look at the freak...
Hayley asked if I wanted to buy anything as we passed the massive stocks of crisps, chocolate and drinks... I hadn't had them in so long...

"You're really asking the anorexic of she wants anything to eat?" I said stubbornly. It was the first time I had aknowolged that I was perceived as anorexic.

What an ugly word. Anorexic. We went I to the cinema empty handed, I don't know how the movie was, I couldn't keep up my concentration long enough to understand the plot or the characters. What I did pick up on was that the lead girl, Melanie I think her name was, had a voice in her head, controlling her every move... I shut off after that I sat shaking and crunching my body. For someone who used to be so interested in drama, I couldn't believe I'd lost it... I'd lost everything.
Day one dad's school.
Lindsey. A girl named Lindsey greeted me, she looked older than me but was apparently younger. My dad said she'd show me around, take me to my classes like I was a new puppy... She tried, god knows she tried to talk to me it just wasn't happening.
Lunch: soup, bread and milk = milk drunk & soup eaten
Day two
Breakfast: breakfast bar & smoothie = two squares of breakfast bar eaten
Lunch: soup, bread & milk = four spoon gulls of soup
Day three
Breakfast: breakfast bar & smoothie = one and a half squares
Lunch: soup, bread & milk = milk
The days continued like that, eating less and less exercising more and more. I was pale, and cold, and numb... I couldn't go on.
That night I did something I'd never done before. I found a pair of sissors in my room at one in the morning and with a shaky had I drew the blade along my wrist... It felt good. To feel pain with it being in my control. To let my hurt out, to feel things again. The searing pain woke me up. It grabbed a hold of me and I did it again... And again... And again...
I'd heard of people cutting before but never thought I would do it... And then they found out...
That was a bad morning, followed by a bad meeting, followed by a series of bandages and cream.
"How did you do it?"
"Scissors."
"Why did you do it?"
"I don't know."
"Are you going to do it again?"
Yes....