My Version of Events

Chapter Four

Still November;

I kept my secret, all to myself. Plus, it wasn't that big of a deal, it was just a diet. But, my friends started noticing, I could tell. The way they expectantly looked at me at lunch, avoiding eye contact. My weight started to drop more. By more I mean a couple of pounds In a couple of weeks, I monitored it every day. Not enough though. I was beginning to get more scared, I started to become obsessed, internet checking for calories and how to loose weight, that's when I found a page that told me how to make myself sick.... Two fingers, toothbrush.

I couldn't handle it all on my own, I broke my promise to myself and one lunch, I asked two of my closest friends - at the time - to come and talk to me. We went up beside the solitary stage at the top of our never ending school street (but it still couldn't fit us all in it!) and sat on the fragile stairs. That's when I told them, I told them i was scared, I had become obsessed with my weight and I was going to extremes to 'get rid' of it. They both took different sides when faced with the information I had given them. I hate to put it this way, but it was a kind of devil vs angel situation. One wanted me to just leave it because it wasn't that big of a deal, I mean I wasn't starving myself. The other wanted me to tell someone straight away, she said she didn't want anything happening to me and that she would talk to my parents if I wanted her too. I began to panic, I told them both I was just being silly and there was nothing wrong - there was no way they were telling my parents! It was stupid telling them, I bet myself up after that, not literally but internally, I was screaming at myself. There's nothing wrong your just attention seeking as per usual, just shut up about it. So I did.

But, though It was hard to admit. I felt good about opening up to someone, it felt as though a small crack letting in light had been formed in my deep, darkened hole. For a moment I lay in the light, I was able to relax and come out of my crooked form, straighten up and look at myself. As quickly as it had formed I pushed the crack away, I was scared of it. It gave me a feeling I had not felt in a while - hope. I had to stop the feeling. I filled the crack with lies and lay back down in the comfort of my lonely hole.

They couldn't let it go, it wasn't as if the were screaming it from the roof tops but it was like, the elephant in the room. My other friends started to think I was ignoring them, one even decided to tell everyone I hated her and that was why I asked to talk to two of my friends alone, it was to gossip about her. I think it's when you know a persons lying that you start to disregard everything they say.... Lies, lies and more lies. I had two best friends, but one I trusted a hell of a lot more than the other, we as a trio, became distant. It became me and Hayley (my best friend) and our third member fell away. I sometimes wonder if it was my fault, what happened between us, but apparently it started before then. I suppose people begin to fall apart, but really, it wasn't as if I was trying to glue us back together.

I had a bad history with keeping friends. My primary was like an ancient castle, big windows the complete opposite of the rooms colourful artsy walls displaying children's precious art work. As you moved up a year you moved up to a new part of the school, endless discovers were made, new doors which new bazaar stories were based on. Every primary year was split into two classes, they usually tried to keep the class's together when moving up the school, so we got used to each other. I don't remember much about my earlier years in primary, there are memories but they're blurred. My best friend in primary one was a girl who had an identical twin sister, it took me to primary three to be able to fully tell them apart (I usually waited until one spoke to me to know who was who...) we had an awesome friendship, we would play 'What's The Time Mr Wolf' every playtime and on the discovery of the Tamogotcie rarely had time to look up at each other but we were always beside each other. When over at each other's houses we would hide behind the couch to make our mums let us stay a little longer. We once went to McDonald's and the movies in our pyjamas because well, we could. It got to primary five and we had moved up into the 'Big ones playground' but we were falling out more and more, over the stupidest of things like me telling her she would be to scared to watch a program I had watched (which, by the way - she totally was!) At the beginning of primary six, we were getting back together, it felt great to have my friend completely back. That was, until another girl came along and started taking my friend away from me... They started to leave me, so I tried to find someone else, I think I went through three different people In a year and a half trying to find a new best friend, until on my fourth go I found one, to make matters worse she was in the 'other' class and (midevil as it sounds) I became a 'traitor' to my class... It wasn't until first year at high-school I found a group of friends who made me feel welcome, and strangely enough the girl who took my best friend from me was In it.

So maybe this was history repeating itself, but it wasn't anyone else's fault, it was mine. I was pushing everyone away. I knew how it felt but yet I was still doing it.