My Version of Events

Chapter Twenty One

A slippery slope on which to slide
My life is a roller coaster not made to ride
Everyday I lie and lie
Till the day on which I die

Family lunch with the CAHMS unit. I was walking down the stairs to the king room and lost feeling in my feet - big bulging horrid feet. I was dizzy. I was tired. I was... In the room.

Mum told me she'd give me vegetable soup at the lunch. She lied.

Butter, bread, lettuce, cheese, tomato.
Milk.

I couldn't do it, I just couldn't. Eve asked my parents to sit right beside me, leaning over me. I felt so enclosed as if there was no way out. With my parents and my head. I wasn't even there, I was just the body that my head abused. I picked out a lettuce leaf.

"Come on, just eat it."
Make me.

"You can eat it."
Nope, it's going to make you so fat

"You need to eat it"
No I don't and I won't

"I need to be skinny."

"You are"

"STOP!"

Then there was a knock on the door...

"Hiya, em can I just take your daughter up to check her bloods? Is that okay?" Said my doctor, honestly I didn't want to go but anything was better than this. So off we went.

Up the stairs. I couldn't make it. My feet went numb, my body shook. My doctor had to support me up the flight of stairs.

They took my blood. They weighed me. They checked my height. They sat me down. Asked how I was.

"Awful." The most honest I'd been in ages. I was awful, I felt ill and sad and lonely and I just wanted to sleep.

"Look, how've things been?"

"Awful."

She took me down the stairs again. Having to stop after every three steps.

"Eve," she firmly said as we entered the room, "can you come with me a second?"

Eve left. Now it was just the four of us. What used to be a family now falling apart. We didn't speak. It was forty five minutes before Eve and the doctor came back in.

"Hi, look, we have been discussing-

Blah blah blah

"We're admitting your daughter to hospital."

Wait what?!

They saw my startled look, my mums tears my sisters scowl and my dads hand tighten.

"Your daughter is very ill, she is way under the weight that we would usually admit anorexic patients to hospital, and we are afraid she might die."

Let me. I deserve it.

"Now, there is a hospital we have in mind but we are waiting for a room to free up. There is another in Edinburgh, but that's quite far away. She can either come home and stay with you tonight or we can admit her to The Royal Infirmary where they will put her on an IV of fluid. What do you want to do?"

"Hospital." A unanimous desicon.

I want even bothered, I didn't care. I didn't care about anything or anyone - I just wanted to be skinny or die trying.

They took me straight to the Royal because if I went home I wouldn't leave. My dad drove me while my sister and mum went home to pack my stuff away. I guess this was it. Die trying.

We waited a while.

In the hospital there was a mix of people. Kids with broken bones, a blond girl and her mum and dad, a guy eating out of the vending machine, then me. What was I? Fat.

They called my name, told me they were getting a room ready. Put me on an IV which I considered pulling out but I didn't have the energy. Kim and my mum arrived and dropped off my stuff. Books. Clothes. Shoes. And sat with me until it was time to leave. And there I was, all alone in a hospital: although I wasn't alone. I had my best friend. I decided to text my friends. To to tell them I won't be in school:

"Hi guys, em, I just wanted to tell you I'm not going to be back for a while. The doctor has just admitted me to hospital. Some of you knew, some of you didn't, I've been diagnosed with anorexia nervoua, and am going to a psychiatric hospital tomorrow. I'm really sorry, bye."

I got replys all night;
Omg, are you okay?!
I'm so sorry!
Everything will be alright babe, you'll get through this!
We're always gonna be here for you.

And then there was Hayley, she always knew how to make a situation better;

"Hey" - Hayley

"Hi"

"I'm not gonna ask how you are because we both know the answer, let's just talk, about music?"

So we did.

The hospital staff came and went. Offering food and drinks. Of course I said no. Until I finally fell asleep.

I woke up when a nurse came to see me. She was filling out a form for the psychiatric hospital. For me. We talked, she said she had had a friend who had been anorexic and was admitted to the same hospital; her friend had tried to run away; she hadn't gotten better and as the nurse said "she's probably never going to..."

That's gonna be you

I had been taking to myself all night, doing stomach crunches and moving my legs. Finding strategies to loose more weight.

Hannah arrived; yeah, Hannah from chapter fourteen!

She said with me and asked me about music, and my books and drama and then started explaining to me about the hospital and what procedures they carried out. And it scared me.

"When you go into hospital will you eat?"

"No."

"Then we're going to have to detain you under the mental health act..."

"What?"

"It says that we are taking power out of your hands and if need be have the right to force feed you and you can't leave."

I didn't even have the energy to argue.

So this was it.