SURREALITY | jjh

12. the long in longing

ꗃ now playing: sidelines by phoebe bridgers

"watch the world from the sidelines,
had nothing to prove.
till you came into my life,
gave me something to lose."

☁︎

Haru found herself immobilised, her gaze ensnared onto the grand billboard that loomed before her. It was a clear, sunny day, and the sunlight cascaded down, casting a warm, golden hue on the sweetheart in the poster.

Jaehyun was smiling down at her, his eyes twinkling with an indefinable charm. Her eyes wandered over the details of his breathtaking face, tracing every curve and line, all the while absorbing the magnitude of his larger-than-life presence in the poster.

She felt a cascade of bittersweet emotions. It had been months since he left for his music tour, and the weight of his absence, though she disliked acknowledging it, was undeniably tangible. While the perennial awe of his celebrity status enveloped her, a new and peculiar sensation now gripped her.

The longer she stood there, the more it felt like a subtle form of mockery, teasing her from behind its glossy veneer, reminding her of how far apart they were from one another.

She shook her head in an attempt to rouse herself from her reverie, realising that she had been standing there passively for an unreasonable length of time.

Turning away from the billboard, Haru embarked on the long walk home. Her footsteps echoed in the silence of the streets. Recently, she had been wrestling with an intense yearning, one that such posters, no matter how ubiquitous, could never genuinely satisfy.

As she walked, the city around her came to life. People bustled about their daily routines, oblivious to the turmoil within her. The streets were lined with vendors selling street food, and the aroma of sizzling skewers and spicy sauces wafted through the air.

Haru's mind shifted from the prior encounter to the worries about her recently hospitalised mother. She could not help but compare this lively scene to the quiet emptiness she felt inside.

Upon entering the apartment, Haru sank into the plush comfort of her couch. Her mindless thoughts did not pause there.

She contemplated how her life had essentially returned to its former state: mundane and repetitive. However, it had become more challenging to readjust, given that something as wonderful as his presence had entered her life and was currently absent. She wondered if her recent fluctuating mood was a result of her intensified focus on her uneventful lifestyle.

Desiring a momentary mental respite, she reached for the TV remote and powered on the television. She scrolled through channels idly, her interest remaining elusive, until she chanced upon a programme with a headline that caught her eye: "The Global Sensation: KPOP's Rising Stars."

The host was in the midst of interviewing the members of a prominent group, and her face lit up as she recognised their familiar faces. This was something Haru had grown accustomed to; their sensational rise had led to a multitude of media appearances, a few of which she herself tuned into. Still, the poise and professionalism with which they carried themselves never failed to leave her in awe.

Suddenly, the host posed the next question, "Now, a fan favourite question." Haru leaned in, prepared to give her full attention and immerse herself in the interview.

"Give us the juice; give it to us straight! Are any of you dating?" The question hung in the air.

Jaehyun's nonchalant snort sent a jolt through her, causing her heart to skip a beat and a flush of frustration to creep up her cheeks. "Of course not," he declared, his words echoing in her mind like a discordant note in a familiar melody.