Lil Peep ~ Cry Alone (song above)
...
My sudden urges came out to play. I wanted to see his tears but I also knew that I'd be needing my medicine soon. When the voice comes back it's torture. It's torture because the things the voice says are unsettlingly sick. Does this boy really want to be friends with me? Does he understand the consequence?
The sacrifice? If he does then he shall be put to the test.
"Angel," I paused waiting for him to look up at me before continuing. "I'll make you a deal. If you can pass my test then we can be friends."
He smiled happily.
"But if you fail you have to immediately scream for me not to get close to you. Do you understand?" His smile fell.
He then let out a shaky breath. "What do I have to do?" I laughed.
He thinks he can pass...cute. I laughed once more. I guess my voice and I can finally agree on something...
"I need you to withstand a dire amount of torture both physically, emotionally, and possibly mentally."
He didn't say anything as he slowly got up from the bed coming towards me.
A part of me was hoping he would back off on the deal but the other half's curiosity was being put to the test as they battled inside my fucked up head.
"Okay." I looked up in fear. No, I'm not talking about being fearful of him, what I mean is that if I hurt him I don't know if I'll be able to stop in time.
"Get better first and then..." He looks so fucking happy that I couldn't even finish my sentence. Just then I hear the sound of his ma coming in through the front door.
We both went out to greet her. She offered me to stay for dinner. And of course, I declined politely. I had long put off my medicine. The pain was like my drug.
Without it, I would relapse. If I relapse then back to the mental hospital we (I) go.
-
As soon as I walked through the front door, right away I found my very drunk alcoholic of a father sitting on the couch staring at the wall in complete darkness. There were traces of him getting high. I chuckled.
When he heard me he tensed in place. "You wanna hurt me now pa?" I could see both of his hands balling up into fists. "I'm a monster, remember?" My taunting was working. Just one more, "I ruined our family and ma disappeared. Even your own daughter."
"Shut the fuck up!!!" He yelled as he came towards me at great speed. And that's when my dosage was here. I laughed out loud as his punches and hits came in contact with my body.
When my medicine was fully given I was sitting in the corner of my bedroom. My face, black and blue, my head bleeding as well as the corners of my lips, and fresh cuts along my body.
I then slowly brought my legs up towards my chest, hugging them with my head laying against the wall's corner. For the first time, I didn't feel like laughing. No, instead a single tear sliding down below my right eye slowly became actual tears falling down from both.
The emptiness and pain mixed with my voices made me yell. "Did you ever fucking love me?!?" "Am I really such a monster?!?" I hugged my legs even tighter as I rocked myself back and forth. As soon as my tears and yelling came they stopped. I stared at the wall for a long time feeling numb before I heard my door unlock soon opening to reveal my very drugged and intoxicated father.
He didn't say anything as we both looked up into each other's eyes.
"You know, I always knew that I wasn't the son you wanted," I paused, "but I always thought that someday someone would see me as a son and not a prodigy."
"I always thought that maybe me being screwed up in the head and different that maybe I'd still get treated like a decent human being and not an animal." I laughed.
"But that little boy woke up. Do you want a prodigy? You want an animal instead of a son?"
"Then so be it, but just know that once I start I always finish. You and I both know that."
And with that, I broke eye contact with him as I went back to staring at the wall in front of me.
I'm guessing he took that as a sign to leave because he left closing the door. I waited for the sound of the door to lock but it never came.
I erupted with a fit of laughter as I felt the emptiness surging throughout my body.
I'm sorry Angel. I just can't help myself. I wanna play and I wanna play soon. I gave you a chance to run away, escape even. But you didn't so now you're my prey and you shall be my prey until you are devoured by me and only me. Run away my little bunny, run.
I thought before falling asleep in the same position waiting for the next day to be filled with misery like always.
