MEMOIR OF THE SPLINTERED

FIVE

Certain events during childhood may also play a role in the development of the disorder, such as those involving emotional, physical and sexual abuse.

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How do you heal from trauma you can't remember?

My parents told me that when I was a baby — about one-years-old — I had a babysitter who was... unkind. My brother was old enough at the time to tell my parents about what happened every time they dropped us off. Unfortunately, my brother didn't tell my parents until we were getting ready to move, and the damage had been done.

Whenever my parents would drop me off with the babysitter, I would cry and wail, missing my parents. It annoyed my babysitter, and she would punish me by putting me in the high-chair and sticking me in the corner.

If I still didn't stop crying, I wouldn't be allowed to eat. She would scream at me to stop crying, which made me terrified of her. Since my brother was there to witness it all, she would threaten him to not say a word about what happened.

Once we were getting ready to move, my brother finally told my parents. He was only four-years-old at the time and tried to tell them everything he saw. My parents were horrified, checking my body for bruises or marks. There were no signs of physical abuse, much to my parents' relief.

The scary part is... my brother could only report what he saw. We have no way of knowing what else she did to me when my brother wasn't looking.

Before we moved, we stopped by her house to say goodbye. She tried to give me a hug, but I started crying and shaking while hiding behind my mom. My mother told her to leave me alone, because I was clearly afraid of her. Without any evidence of abuse, my parents weren't able to press charges before we left.

While talking to my psychiatrist to learned more about my dissociative episodes, she explained dissociation usually develops in individuals who experienced trauma.

At first, I assumed getting raped was the trauma. But... I had dissociative episodes before that happened. I racked my brain, trying to think of anything traumatizing that happened to me, but I couldn't think of anything.

During one of our sessions, a light bulb went off in my head. I mentioned the story of my old babysitter to my psychiatrist, and she said it's extremely likely that's the source of my dissociative episodes. The verbal abuse from my babysitter could've left an permanent scar on my subconscious.

To say I was speechless would be an understatement.

For so long, I've struggled with mental illness, not understanding why I had to suffer. And then knowing it was because of something that happened when I was a baby? Something I don't even remember; therefore, I don't know how to work through.

And she probably doesn't even know. That babysitter. She probably had no idea that she left a lasting impact on my mental health. I was only a baby, after all. She probably thought nothing bad would come of it, since I was too young to remember. Instead, I developed a mental illness without a cure. I'll be in and out of therapy my entire life, depending on psychiatric medication to keep me sane.

I had no idea where she is now. What she's doing, if she's even alive. Wherever she is, I hope she remembers the baby she used to scream at. I hope she carries that guilt, because I won't be able to shake the pain she caused me for the rest of my life.