MEMOIR OF THE SPLINTERED

TWO

Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist at all.

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Staring down at my swollen belly, I tried to swallow the intense feeling of depression that threatened to consume me. Whenever I would see a pregnant woman, they seemed so happy, as if they were glowing.

But I didn't feel that way.

Don't get me wrong, I was overjoyed that we were having a baby. I had always wanted to be a parent, and my dream was coming true. But... being pregnant messed with my mind in ways I couldn't comprehend. I would look in the mirror and see a pregnant woman staring back at me.

Who was that? That wasn't me. I mean, it was me, but... it didn't feel like me. I didn't feel connected to my reflection. I didn't feel connected to myself.

It left me feeling hollow — the disconnect from my own body; my identity. From the people around me. From my surroundings.

Talking to my therapist, she said that's when my gender dysphoria hit the hardest. While it was present throughout my entire life, causing a strange discomfort that I couldn't make sense of, it was undeniably strong during pregnancy.

Realizing I'm transgender... I can't even begin to describe the relief I left. Suddenly, everything began to click. The reason why I always felt out of place everywhere I went. I had always loved pretty clothes, but when I put them on, it felt... unnatural. Like they didn't belong on my body. I still wore them, because everyone said I looked pretty. I had overcompensated for feeling out of place by wearing the most feminine clothes and makeup. Still, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was wearing a costume.

For the first time, I have a sense of peace that I didn't realize was possible. Finally knowing who I am... nothing compares to that.

Two months after coming to terms with my identity, I decided to come out to my family. My brothers were both supportive, which made me so happy that I wept. But my parents...

They said I was confused; mentally ill. Going against what God had planned for me. Over and over they called me a woman, saying it's impossible for me to be transgender. I felt myself breaking inside, becoming even more confused than I was before.

I'm not a girl, but they said I'm not a boy. So... what am I? In that moment, I didn't feel like anything. Not even human. A genderless entity that shouldn't even exist. Everything hurt, and I ended up having four counseling sessions that following week to recover.

I know who I am. Even if everyone says I'm not a boy, I know I'm not a woman. Being raised in a Christian household, I still believe in God. I believe in a God who doesn't hate people for being in love, or being brave enough to be themselves.

God doesn't make mistakes, and He didn't make a mistake when He made me. Some people are made to be cis men and women, some are made to be trans men and women, and some are made to be trans non-binary. We can't say that God didn't design us to be transgender. If God created everything, that means He created gender dysphoria.

My identity consists of several labels:
• Transgender
• Bisexual
• Christian
• Parent
• Spouse

Each label can give someone a reason to not like me, or argue with the validity of my identity, but I know who I am. And I'm not going to keep letting people make me doubt myself.