MEMOIR OF THE SPLINTERED

EIGHT

Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, such as rapidly initiating intimate (physical or emotional) relationships.

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After I was... you know, I went into a dark place mentally. I felt dirty and disgusted with myself. Why didn't I fight him more? I could've hit him. Or screamed. Or done anything but lie there, completely frozen.

There was a feeling of emptiness in my chest; a hole left behind from what happened to me. Even though I was scared of being hurt again, I couldn't stop craving positive affection. I wanted someone to hold me, to tell me I was okay, to tell me they wanted me. Not to use me and toss me aside. I wanted to know I was capable of being loved.

Only one week after the incident, another guy began flirting with me. Without knowing anything about him, I quickly latched onto him. He seemed nice and funny, and I really needed someone nice in my life. After just one date, I was already attached to him. He was really sweet and made me laugh. The emptiness in my chest wasn't noticeable around him.

Not wanting the date to end, I let him take me back to his dorm. At first, we just watched a movie and cuddled. The innocent touches began to grow less innocent, and I felt that feeling of dread settling in my stomach.

I couldn't do this. Not again. Not this soon after what happened.

But... if I didn't, would he stop seeing me? No, I didn't want him to leave! He was so nice and sweet and cute... he made me feel better.

I didn't want him to leave. Even though he didn't outright say it, I couldn't shake the feeling that he would abandon me if I didn't take things further.

Swallowing my fears, I forced myself to be intimate with him. It was scary, but I didn't show it. As long as he wasn't going to leave me, I would be fine.

And this time, he actually wanted to relationship with me. I was over the moon! He didn't toss me aside like I had been before. Even though I had only known him two days, I thought I loved him.

It's crazy, when I look back on it, how quickly I fell for him. We barley knew each other, and yet I was so eager to feel loved that I dove into the first relationship I could find.

The funny part is... that wasn't real love. I learned that, after we broke up and I got back together with my ex-boyfriend, who is now my husband. I had to learn was love wasn't to know who really loved me; the person I left behind before starting college.

I knew what love actually was when my husband looked me in the eyes and said, "you are not damaged goods". It was the first time anyone had said that to me, and looking at the love shining in his eyes, I knew I could believe him.