Losing Everything

Chapter 5.3

“I shouldn’t talk to you like that,” Lucy said.

“No you shouldn’t.”

“I know that. I really do. And I really am sorry.”

Erica nodded slowly. “It’s just that it’s seems to be happening more often,” she said. “Like it’s getting to be some kind of a habit, that’s all. I think you do it more than you realize.”

“I do realize. And I shouldn’t. Especially not to you.”

Erica looked at Lucy, and seemed to think. “Why especially not to me?”

Lucy suddenly felt flustered. “I don’t know,” she said.

Erica kept looking at her. “Why not me?”

Lucy shook her head.

“Tell me,” Erica said.

Lucy hesitated, wondering herself what she’d meant. She wasn’t really sure. She was distracted by Erica, though, trying to decide if Erica was still upset, because she actually couldn’t tell.

“Are you okay?” Lucy said.

“I’m fine.”

“You seem a bit… I don’t know. Angry, maybe?”

“Oh, I’m angry. But I’m also okay.”

“Are you angry at me?”

“What do you think?”

“But I said sorry…”

“I know. But…” Erica stopped.

“What?” Lucy said.

Erica shook her head. Lucy noticed she was a little flushed, and was breathing fast too. Breathing fast as if she was upset. She probably was, Lucy thought.

“Just tell me,” Lucy said. “Please?”

“I just like you a lot, okay? I respect you, and I like you too. So when you’re a bitch, it kind of hurts.”

“I’m sorry,” Lucy said again, then, suddenly realizing what Erica had just said. “What do you mean you like me?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I really don’t.”

“You fucking do,” Erica snapped, apparently annoyed.

Lucy was confused. She really didn’t understand. “You like me like what?” she said. “Like me as in like me?”

“Not like that,” Erica said quickly.

Lucy kept looking at her, wondering.

Erica swallowed, and then said, “Yes, I suppose like that.”

“Oh,” Lucy said, and didn’t know what to do. “Yeah, okay.”

“Oh fuck,” Erica said.

“No…”

“I’m sorry,” Erica said. “I’m completely sorry. That was wrong. I shouldn’t have said anything…”

“It’s fine.”

“It really isn’t,” Erica said, then, loudly, “Shit.”

Erica looked miserable. She looked worried and hurt and desperate. She was really upset, and in a complicated, indirect way, she was upset because of something Lucy had done. Lucy stood there, looking at Erica, wanting to make her feel better. She wanted to, and suddenly knew how to fix this after all.

She kissed Erica.

Just like that.

She stepped forward, and put her hand on Erica’s neck, to keep her head still, and before Erica seemed to realize what was happening, she kissed Erica on her mouth. She kissed Erica, surprising herself, because she’d never thought of doing anything like that before. She’d never thought she even wanted to, except now she was, so apparently she had been wrong about herself all along. She kissed Erica, and kept kissing Erica, tasting her mouth, feeling her lips, smelling the scent of her skin and her hair.

She kept kissing, utterly surprised at herself. Surprised, and thrilled, too. She felt excited. Oddly, warmly, sharply excited, her breath suddenly gone, her heartbeat fast. She was excited. She was aroused.

She was shocked at herself, too. Shocked because of Jake. Because she was involved with someone, and kissing someone else, and that was completely wrong.

Shocked, but kissing Erica anyway.

Still kissing Erica, long after she should have stopped.

She didn’t know what to do, but she liked Erica, and wanted to kiss her, so she just kept kissing. They both kept kissing for a long desperate moment. Long enough to open their mouths, and taste each other, and close their eyes as they did. Long enough for Erica to make a soft little sigh in the back of her throat, and then to gently, fumblingly, put her hand on the side of Lucy’s face, and stroke Lucy gently. Long enough for Lucy to feel the warmth of Erica’s palm on her cheek, at the same time as she was tasting the warmth of Erica’s mouth. Long enough for Lucy to carefully decide to touch Erica’s hair too, just for the sake of touching long soft hair as she kissed, because that seemed like a new and wonderful thing. And then to do it, while her hand shook slightly. And while she kissed.

They kissed for long enough for it to be a kiss, an actual kiss which meant something, and not just be an accidental bumping together, a mistake they could dismiss, or a peculiar way to end a fight.

They kissed for long enough it mattered terribly that they were.

They kissed slowly, until they both knew they’d kissed, and that they still were, and that suddenly, impossibly, everything was completely different now.

Everything was completely different, and now Lucy didn’t know what to do.

She was confused. She was scared. She felt she was betraying everyone around her, Jake, but Erica too.

She felt like she was doing something awful, so she stopped kissing, and stepped backwards, and whispered, “Oh no,” as she looked at Erica.

She looked at Erica, shocked at her herself, shocked and worried by what she’d just done. She looked at Erica, and then turned around and walked out of the office, walked out of the building completely, and gone home without even logging out her computer, which she never, ever forgot to do.