Losing Everything

Chapter 4.2

Lucy didn’t sit down. She felt like there was something she ought to say first, something about gratitude, and perhaps some kind of explanation, a thank you and sorry and that she was glad to see Erica again, all of those mixed up together.

She couldn’t quite work out what, though, so instead of sitting, she just stood where she was, watching Erica cook.

“Sit down,” Erica said again. She was beating the eggs with a fork, getting ready to scramble them, Lucy assumed.

Lucy stayed where she was.

“Sit,” Erica said, and pointed. There was a breakfast bar on one side of the kitchen, the other side of the counter Erica was working at. There were stools on the far side of it from Erica, facing into the kitchen. She pointed to one of those.

“Yep I will,” Lucy said, but stayed where she was.

Erica looked up, looked at Lucy, and then shrugged, and seemed to decide not to care. She probably thought Lucy was still high, and was watching imaginary patterns on the wall, or something. She turned around, and put butter into the pan on the stove, on top of the oil that was already sizzling. Lucy almost asked her not to, almost said she was trying to be careful about what she ate, but then she decided not to. Because she didn’t mind what she ate, not really, not any more, and so she decided not to care, while she wasn’t caring about everything else that had ever used to matter to her.

Lucy stood there watching, as Erica tipped the beaten egg mixture into the pan, and tried to work out what it was exactly that she wanted to say. Mostly just that Jake was gone from her life, she thought, gone forever, and so whatever it was that had been in the way between her and Erica, it was gone now. Gone completely. Jake was gone, and Bitmo was gone, and so whatever might once have been possible between them was possible again. Or not, of course, if Erica had moved on, and was sick of Lucy, and wanted other things. Of course not then. But otherwise, there was maybe a possibility, and Lucy hoped Erica would be glad to know that.

Lucy wanted to say all that, but she didn’t actually say a word. She kept quiet, because she wasn’t sure that saying anything would be very fair to Erica. And also because she wasn’t sure Erica would take her seriously, either, when she was still high. But mostly because needed to think about fairness, and what was thoughtless, and what was not. About whether Erica might be happier without Lucy complicating her life again, and for that matter, how unfair Lucy had already been this morning, just assuming she could turn up without warning whenever she felt like it.

Lucy needed to think, really think, about everything, before she started making any announcements that might upset Erica, and for some reason needing to think also meant needing to stand up, all the way across the room, and keep her distance too.

She didn’t quite know why.

She hovered, near the door, and watched Erica quietly. She felt guilty, she decided. She had always felt terribly guilty about Erica, and she’d never been able to make any of it right. She had never even said she was sorry for what had happened between then, she realized.

“I’m sorry,” Lucy said. “I really am. About everything. About how it ended with you before, and that you have to leave, and also that now I’ve turned up here.”

“What?” Erica said.

For a moment Lucy thought that perhaps she couldn’t hear over the sizzling eggs and the kitchen extractor fan.

Lucy started to say it all again, but Erica said, “No, I heard.”

“Oh,” Lucy said, and went quiet, wondering what to say next.