Losing Everything

Chapter 5.2

Lucy sat as her desk for a moment, unsure what to do. She felt sorry for snapping, and guilty too, and she knew she was always awful at dealing with these kinds of complicated interpersonal situations, which somehow made everything worse. It was complicated, because Erica was a friend, but an employee too, and Lucy didn’t know quite how one changed the other, or if it did, or really, what she was supposed to do now.

She sat, thinking, wishing she was better at this. She wanted to go and say sorry, but didn’t know if she should. Or whether she should just stay where she was, and leave Erica alone. She was tired, and having trouble thinking, and was distracted by still worrying about her code. She hated that she’d done this, and wanted to fix it, but that didn’t make it any easier to actually decide what to do. She waited several minutes, even though waiting made her feel more guilty, and as she waited she began to realize that she’d also just assumed Erica didn’t mind working late, which wasn’t really very fair either. So now, even though the snapping was the actual problem, she began to feel bad about the assuming too.

She began to feel awful.

She sat there for a while, uncertainly, and then decided it was up to her. She stood up, and went to look for Erica.

They were the only two people still left in the Bitmo offices, this late, and had been for several hours. Most of the other people who worked at night did so from home. That made this simpler, Lucy thought, because there was no-one else around to overhear awkward apologies, and it also meant she could easily see where Erica had gone. She could see, because most of the overhead lights were off, and being controlled by after-hours motion-sensor switches. One side of the open area of cubicles was lit up, though, where Erica must have walked down the corridor between the workstations and the wall, and the lights in the kitchen were on too, so Erica must be in there.

Lucy went and checked, making sure, and Erica was.

Lucy stood in the doorway, quietly, uncertain what to say. Erica didn’t seem to have heard her walk up, probably because the fridge in the kitchen was humming quite loudly, and Lucy had taken off her shoes and was walking around in just her tights on a carpeted floor.

Erica was standing with her back to the door, staring at the kitchen bench. The water-boiler above the sink was gurgling, and steam was rising from beside Erica’s hand. Erica was making tea, Lucy thought, and standing there waiting for it to brew.

Lucy didn’t know whether that said anything about Erica’s mood or not. She stood there for a moment, wondering, and trying to decide what to say, and she still didn’t really know, so in the end she just said, “I’m sorry.”

Erica jumped. Then she turned around.

“Sorry,” Lucy said. “For that, too. For making you jump.”

Erica shrugged.

“I didn’t mean to,” Lucy said.

“Make me jump?”

“What?” Lucy said, confused, then, “Yes, that too I suppose, but I meant sorry for the other thing, just before. I didn’t mean to be like that.”

“Oh. Yeah, okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Lucy said. “That’s all. I’m sorry for both. I’m sorry for it all.”

Erica didn’t answer.